All In The Family

Sleepless Sleeper

I lay here staring into the darkness.  I haven't slept yet.  The room is silent, yet the unfiltered noises keep me awake and I get lost in the emptiness of myself.  For a moment, I think I'm by myself, unbothered by the silence in the room.  But then I can hear him whispering to me, trying to tell me about my day to come. His voice is louder than the other noises in my head-I know it's Axel. I'm not looking forward to this conversation. I just want to be left alone in the silence. 

"What do you think he is doing?" 

Axel's words ring loudly as I turn the other way on my pillow.

"Do you think he's messaging other girls?" 

I close my eyes harder not to hear him.

"Maybe he is watching other girls on periscope. I wouldn't doubt it"

I sigh heavily furrowing my brows at his words, hoping he would would stop. But instead he just continues.

  "I mean why wouldn't he? You're just average compared to who he talks to. Even his voice is different in the messages." 

I sit up in my bed thinking about my lover.  Was he talking to other girls? 

I head to the bathroom and I unfortunately catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  My heart pounds in my chest. I examine my body. It's ugly-I'm too wide. There's too much giggle everywhere. I wish I was thinner.

"Yeah-she's probably prettier than you." 

I stare at myself for a long time, getting lost in the mess that I see before me. Axel made his appearance, he wasn't planning on leaving me. 

"Your face has such craters in it.  You would look better with plastic surgery?"

I turn off the light and I stay up the rest of the time looking up videos of before and after Korean plastic surgery.  All I can think is "Maybe I should consider it. Would I be prettier then?" 

But Axel answers, "What's the point, you wouldn't be pretty even with surgery."

I come to the conclusion that he is right.

"Just imagine what people must be saying about you."

I don't want to think about it. I write my thoughts down instead. 

I can hear Axel's laugh echo throughout the room. He knows he's won as the content in my notebook takes a dark turn. 

Another voice rings out.

"My dear brother  Axel, you tell her things that she already knows. She doesn't understand."

D has arrived and now I know there is no turning back for a peaceful night. I can't drown out their voices. I just sit there in silence until it's time to leave. 

D chimes, "Why bother. You're a burden to him. All you do is take up space in his room. You bother him." 

Axel sneers. The combination is too much for me and I start to cry. But yet, I drive to his house anyways. 

Hoping for some peace. I find none. I only find Axel and D talking louder as nighttime turns to day. What a troublesome pair. 

The sun peeks out from behind the clouds as I write in my journal.  Silence once again except for the snores of my lover beside me. 

"I bet he isn't thinking of you."

Axel's voice is muted as nothing can disturb the perfection in this moment. I look at my lover sleeping and I feel warmth and peace.  Axel and D can't touch me. Their words can't reach me. I take a breath and I breathe in my lover's scent. It smells like happiness. 

An unfamiliar voice uncontrollably laughs in my head. I do not know who this is, but I am in the moment too much to acknowledge it.  For now, that voice sneaks by unnoticed.