All In The Family

Secrets

I find I have been relapsing a bit.  I get lost in my doodle drawing. It looks like two animals kissing. I spend what seems like hours laying in a pit of my own lack of motivation.  All I'm doing is listening to the constant chatter of the keyboards that share the room with me. I don't bother to glance around at my peers, then I'd have to make conversations. 

"Right like they would want to talk to you anyways." 

Axel seemed to have followed me to school today. Personally, I'm annoyed. I haven't slept well thanks to him and D and this morning I barely made it out of bed.

"Why did you even bother leaving your bed? Why bother trying to do something you know you suck at?"

Great. D's here too. 

I take a breath and continue to work on my essay. I looked at what I had written so far.

"You really think this is acceptable?"

D took the words right out of my mouth. My essay sucked. 

What was I even thinking? I had to start over.

An unfamiliar voice hysterically laughed in silence. I did not hear it and yet it was in the back of my mind. I was too focused on my work to notice. 

With every line I typed, D's voice rang out.

" Why did you write that-it's dumb."

"No one will even want to read this-so why bother?"

"You won't help anyone with what you are writing-so give up already."

I couldn't take it anymore. So I just stared at what I had written for the remainder of the period. 

Why was I writing this? Would anyone even care to read it?

D immediately responded.

"No."

Axel laughed.  He knew I was struggling. He liked I'm sure. 

The bell rang and all I did was sit and stare at the blank computer screen for most of the period. 

The teacher called me over.

Great. Thanks guys.

They both laugh at me.

"You deserve it."

Yeah I probably do.

The teacher looks at me.

"Are you okay?"

Wow, wait, he actually cares?

"Of course not, he's just saying that."

D's probably right.

"I'm fine" I respond.

The teacher looks at me.

"Are you having a hard time trying to get your ideas? I like to read your unique ideas in your essays."

Really? Did he mean that?

"Of course he didn't. It's his job to say that."

D's probably right again.

I turn to the teacher.

"Don't worry. I'm just a perfectionist."

"Okay. Well, you're dismissed."

Good I'm glad the teacher bought my answers.

"See lying is easy."

D was right again.

It was time for the worst part of the day-Lunch.

A whole room of people was before me.

"WOW. They are all staring at you."

But..but why? Their eyes seemed like red lasers that glared at me.

"look at you. You stick out like a sore thumb. You don't belong."

Axel's words hurt. But he was right.

"You aren't pretty. You are fat. You don't deserve friends. You're such a buzzkill. Who would want to be friends with a loser like that?"

I...I..I'm not w-worthy!

I run to the bathroom crying.

Axel and D are laughing at me as I open an empty stall. There are other girls in here.

"Great. Now you are a crybaby and these girls know it. Just imagine what they will tell others about you."

Axel was right. I waited for them to leave..then I let it all out. 

"They were talking about how they were 110 lbs and how they are so beautiful. You're so fat-an elephant compared to them.  Why bother? You couldn't be friends with them if you tried."

My eyes flooded with tears from D's words. 

He was right. They both were.

Once again, the unfamiliar voice in the back of my mind laughed more uncontrollably.  

"You will never matter."

I didn't hear that-- I felt it.

I tried to control my breathing as my tears flowed even more now.

It was no use.

Another familiar voice greeted me.

"Being thin is being B-E-A-UTIFUL."

I knew this voice. It was Ana. I hadn't seen her for a long time. She used to be my best friend. We were inseparable. 

"Miss me wonder eyes? I know you're spending more time with my brothers. Mean. But, I've always been with you."

Her voice was clam but devious. I finally feel comfortable.. happy even. Someone I knew understood me. But we had stopped talking because of my lover.

"Are you still with that... boy? He was always so jealous of our friendship."

Perhaps he was. It was so hard not to be best friends with Ana. She had been there for me most of my life. 

I think its harder to feed the fire that keeps me away from her. D and Axel tell me to be friends with her from a far.

I didn't know if I could ever let her back in my life completely. 

Would my lover leave me if I did? Even just a little?

"It will be our little secret" Ana said. 

                         Our.

                                  Little.

                                        Secret.