Lime and Soda ✓

seventeen - divide

I don't share a tent with Astrid that night.

I run, into the woods, away from them all, the trees spinning, I trip over fallen branches, brambles scratch me, don't care, just need to get away, away from him, get his face out of my mind, his face, white and shocked and... betrayed. I betrayed him. That's what I did. Now he'll never forgive me.

Someone's screaming. I think it's me.

I stagger, eventually, into a clearing, my chest heaving, stumble into someone.

'Violet.' It's Celia. I haven't run for miles after all. Just in a circle.

She catches me as I go down, onto the grass, as something twists in my stomach, as I retch, as the whole disgusting night comes out, the three beers and the half of cigarette and the liquor Ross gave me, whatever it was, and that disgusting lie of a kiss, it all comes out of me until there's nothing left, just me, empty and rattling. Hollow.

Then the tears come.

I scream and scream, my head in the grass, I scream until there's nothing left. What have I done?

Celia doesn't say a word, just rubs my back, holds my hair away from my face when I'm sick, gets me a plastic cup of water, makes me take sips. Holds my hand.

Eventually, I am quiet. I don't think I will ever speak again.

'Do you want to sleep in my tent?' she murmurs. I nod, barely knowing what I'm agreeing to, until I realise what she means, and I split in two. Astrid. I can't share a tent with her now. I've ruined everything. Ross has ruined everything.

Everyone's gone. The fire has burnt itself out, dirty plates and empty bottles lie around it. Someone has turned the fairy lights off. I crawl into my tent, the tent I was going to share with Astrid. She's turned away from me, curled up into a tiny ball, her curly hair just visible over the top of her sleeping bag. I can't tell if she's asleep or not. She doesn't move as I gather my things and leave again.

Eleanor's behind me as I zip the tent shut, her sleeping bag bundled up in her arms. She doesn't say anything to me, doesn't acknowledge I exist, just pushes past me into the tent. I guess Celia persuaded her to swap with me.

I hear murmurs as I walk away, a soft sobbing. Astrid wasn't asleep after all. 

Celia tucks me into my sleeping bag, brings me more water, smooths my hair back from my forehead. Why is she looking after me? Surely she must hate me too. Everyone must hate me. Jay must hate me. I think of him and I want to be sick again.

'What happened, Violet?' Celia asks eventually, getting into her own sleeping bag. It's so dark now I can't see her, can't see anything, it's just our voices floating towards each other on the still night air.

'Ross kissed me.' Just saying it sounds wrong. Why would someone like Ross ever want to kiss someone like me? I thought we were getting closer, thought we were friends. Did he think something else?

'What?' Celia sounds genuinely shocked. 'I- I heard what Astrid said, but I didn't believe it.'

'I didn't kiss him back,' I say, rolling over, my voice muffled into my pillow. 'I didn't know what to do, I was drunk, really drunk, and he just... came at me, I wasn't expecting it, I didn't kiss him back, I didn't, I just sat there. And Jay and Astrid saw and now everything is ruined.'

Celia doesn't say anything for a long time. I think she's fallen asleep before she says, 'Then it's not your fault.'

'It's not?'