Lonely Christmas - A Sailor Moon Fanfiction

Chapter 5 - Heartache

I lay on my bed with one arm draped over my eyes and wallow in self-pity. I've been doing this for quite some time and it really does me no good, but I would rather lay here and rot than go and see Motoki. Just the thought of his name makes me want to scream and punch the remaining fluff out of my already-beaten pillows.

I begin to stir for the first time that morning, wiping the bangs away from my eyes with a sleeve wet with tears I barely knew were forming. See? I knew it… woman really do suck.

...So why can't I bring myself to believe that about Usagi?

I don't think her intentions are to hurt me. Perhaps she's still completely oblivious to the fact that I'm head-over-heels for her. After all, I’d been mean to her for so long… but it was an affectionate sort of mean, wasn’t it? God, I knew I should have said something way before it had gotten so late!

I muster up enough strength to at least drag myself out of bed and into the living room. I'm overwhelmed by the smell of pine emanating from the Christmas tree, and just to the right of it it's snowing outside my large picture window. I stand there looking at the scene for a moment, taking in everything from the lights, to the decorations, to the snowmen outside, to the snowplow that just flew down the street.

To anyone else, this might have all been a beautiful sight. Instead, I have visions of laying in front of the massive snow removal truck and letting it plow me to hell.

All of these things, these Christmas hoo-has and doo-dads… they no longer make me happy. I'm back to being a cross between the Scrooge and the Grinch, and I hate it. I want to go back in time, just to yesterday, where I didn't have a care in the world and was even planning on making a snowman of my very own, with Usagi if she could come. But now, Usagi will be spending all of her time with Motoki, and I, stupidly, volunteered to help.

I sigh, turning away from the window and free-falling onto the couch, though I was half-hoping I'd miss and smack my head on the coffee table and die.

I turn my head to the table and my eyes fix on the two mugs of untouched hot chocolate. They, too, must be as cold as I feel. I look up to the ceiling and sigh heavily.

Usagi...

I close my eyes as they begin to sting again, welling up with tears I am too tired to let go of. I'm sick of crying. I hate it. The tears streaming down my face remind me of the awful childhood that left me alone forever.

And now that Usagi doesn't want me, I've given up hope for my adult life as well.

So begins another day as Grinchy Scrooge, I suppose. I'm left to feel lonely from the tip of my nose, all the way to my toes. I'll get Motoki and Usagi together, all right; then disappear from their lives, forever out of sight. They'll never realize I'm gone, those two; upon my name coming up, they'll ask, "Mamoru who?"

And that's how Motoki stole my freaking Christmas. Or just made me insane and caused me to make up that stupid rhyme.

But this isn't about me or Motoki. This is about Usagi, and if I can't have my Christmas wish, then damn it all, I'll give Usagi hers.

~*~*~

It takes me a while longer to actually get motivated enough to emerge from my lair, but I do it, and soon I'm setting off toward Crown Arcade. You know, the place I used to actually enjoy going to, but now I'd burn it down if I could?

'Think of Usagi, Mamoru. Think of Usagi...'

How can I not, when she's been on my mind all the time? But now Motoki comes in and destroys all of these wonderful daydreams of mine, and I'm just left to wallow and drown in the pool of pity I've made for myself. Again. It seems like that's all my life is about, and for a second or two, I thought that that was going to change; that Usagi would be my guardian angel, and rescue me from the hole I've dug myself into all these years.