Lonely Christmas - A Sailor Moon Fanfiction

Chapter 11 - Stuck

Well, crap.

I don't blame Usako for running, but my chest feels like it's on fire. I don't know whether to run after her, run away, apologize profusely to Motoki, smack my head against a pole, or just stand here with this dumb expression on my face for the rest of the night.

My feet act before my mind can, and I find myself tearing off after the blonde-bunned beauty whom I've just divebombed with my own emotional turmoil. That wasn't fair of me. I push through the thickening crowd and search frantically for little Usako, but I see no sign of her.

Finally I reach the edge of the sea of people and get a little breathing room. I look up and down the sidewalk by the closed storefronts who instead have tables in the town center for the festival. Damn… she's nowhere to be seen. I consider wading my way back toward the tree when I hear the feintest sniffle from behind me.

I whirl and catch a long, blonde pigtail swaying in the cold breeze from an alleyway a store down from where I'm standing. Now that I've spotted her, I don't know what to do. It kills me that I've made her cry.

I take one tentative step, then another, and another until finally I'm only a few feet away from Usako. She's whimpering words into her phone to I presume is one of her girlfriends and I know I shouldn't eavesdrop. My heart plummets into my stomach as I present myself in her peripheral vision. "...Usako?" I say softly, then curse under my breath. I didn't mean to call her that, and I hope she didn't pick up on her nickname.

She looks up with a start and I feel sick as I look at her angelic, flushed face puffy with tears from crying. She murmurs a few more words and hangs up with her friend before quickly wiping her tears away with a glove and sniffling. "I'm sorry," she squeaks, her voice cracking like she's desperately trying to stop herself from crying. The sting behind my own eyes is back.

I want to hug her. I want to pull her into my arms, gently stroke the back of her head, and tell her I'm sorry. That it's okay that she doesn't feel the same way. That I understand, and I'm sorry for ever saying anything about this to her at all. That she caught me in a moment of weakness and of all the "perfect times" I'd been waiting for, this was far from the right one at all.

Instead, I just shove my hands in my pockets and look at her with an apologetic expression that I hope communicates even just some of what I wanted to say. I look at her hands. She's still got the rabbit clutched to her chest underneath her arm. My eyes travel back up to meet hers.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask finally. "I'm the one who should be saying sorry. It wasn't my place to tell you th-"

She cuts me off with a sad tone, staring blankly at my chest. Her eyes are still wet with tears. "I didn't know. I had no idea."

"...I wouldn't have expected you to."

"But…" her bottom lip quivers and fat tears begin spilling from her eyes again, breaking my heart. "But this would have changed things…"

My heart stops. I duck into the alley so I'm standing across from her. We're in closer quarters now, but the walls flanking us on either side offer us a little privacy as well as shelter from the cold. She's against one wall while I'm against the other. "...I don't know what you mean, Usagi."

She looks down at the stuffed rabbit in her arms, hugs it tightly, and draws in a deep breath in an attempt to collect herself. I can tell she's trying to keep her voice as even as possible. "That night, when I was at your house… I had a lot of fun, too." She looks down at the ground as if considering whether or not she should continue. I'm hanging on every word. "Do you remember how I even ended up there? I invited myself shopping with you, knowing that I'd need to help you set everything up back at your place when we were done…"

I try to keep my breathing even as I listen and try to anticipate where this is going. Where I'm hoping this is going is an impossibility.

Usako's face is pained as she continues. "I really had a lot of fun," she reiterates, and I can't ignore that spark of hope. "A- after the tree was decorated, and I knew I should have been going, I was so happy when you asked me to stay for hot chocolate. But then I started to psyche myself out when we were dancing. I felt like I way overstayed my welcome and you were just being polite; hosting me, just a kid excited about Christmas over at your place. I knew you weren't the biggest fan of the holiday and I started wondering if everything I pushed on you was making you uncomfortable. When the song ended and you said my name I thought you were going to tell me to go, but I didn't want things to end like that… so I panicked."

She pauses. I blink. "So…" I say, my mouth dry and the sound coming out barely above a whisper. I can barely hear myself over the thundering of my heart in my chest.

"So… I had no idea you had feelings for me, but I… knew I had them for you." I'm so thankful for the wall behind me as my legs give out and I palm the brick for support. My head is spinning. Is this a dream? Did she just say what I thought she said? Usako… has feelings for me… ? "I tried to diffuse them by asking you about Motoki, but I regretted it as soon as I said it. I never thought you'd talk to him about me, or that he'd be interested..." She sinks back against her own wall and the tears come in earnest again. Suddenly, I realize she hasn't been crying about me… she's crying over the guilt she feels for getting into a relationship with Motoki she didn't have much interest in in the first place.

Before I realize what I'm doing I've kicked off my wall and pulled Usako into a tight hug, burying her head in my chest as I feel her shoulders shaking while she sobs. I am such a damn idiot. How could I have let this all happen? "Shhh, Usako…" I whisper, my hands rubbing small circles against her back, "It's okay."

"It's not okay…" she whimpers. Her voice is muffled against my chest.

"It is. ...If you want to tell him, we'll do it together." I hug her to me even tighter. Even with her puffy coat on I love how she feels in my arms.

While standing with her like this, everything that's just happened begins to sink in. I'm so mad at myself for letting Usako think I didn't want her lingering in my house, that I ever spoke to Motoki, and that she felt stuck in a relationship I basically set her up for when it was the last thing both she and I wanted. I kiss the top of her head and realize I'm probably making breathing for her very difficult; I'm wrapped around her like she's a balloon that'll disappear into the clouds if I let go.

Slowly, very slowly, I loosen my hold and slide my hand underneath her chin to coax her head up so our eyes meet. Her puffy red eyes still make my heart hurt. I can't let any of this continue any longer. Even if, in the end, she feels too awkward to be with me, she shouldn't have to stay with Motoki if she doesn't want to, either. "We should tell him. It's not fair to him or you if we don't."

"What's not fair to me and her if you don't what?" comes a voice from just outside the alleyway. It echoes off the brick walls of the alley and strikes through my body like lightning.

...Motoki.