Lonely Christmas - A Sailor Moon Fanfiction

Chapter 9 - Deep, Cleansing Breaths

Usako, hm?

I’m back in bed again because I’m pathetic enough to have taken comfort in my own self-pity and think about the girl I can’t have. Usako; the nickname suits her. Too bad she’ll never hear it leave my lips. Still, I try it on mine when she’s not around. “Usako. Usako…” I chant, my heart writhing in my chest every time. But I’m too damned obsessed with her to stop.

I punch the bed underneath me and grunt in frustration. Damn it, I’m about to explode. “I can’t take this anymore!” I yell at the ceiling, my back arching off the bed and coming back down so hard my entire body bounces off the mattress.

I sit up, swing my legs over the side, and bury my head in my hands. My hair is slick against my hands with grease. I try to remember how many days its been since I last showered, but I can’t recall if it was three days ago or four. This has to stop. This is just pathetic, even for me.

I take long, slow, deep breaths and try to calm down. I feel like an eight-hundred pound gorilla has been sitting on my chest, stopping my lungs from getting the oxygen it needs and my heart from beating as it should.

“This has to stop,” I repeat to myself, out loud this time. If I have to tell Motoki and Usagi that their relationship is killing me in order to move on, then so be it. It’s my turn to be selfish.

I make my way to the shower and stand underneath the hot water, closing my eyes and continuing to will more oxygen into my lungs. With each controlled breath I feel myself begin to finally feel better. I watch the water pool at my feet before getting sucked down the drain and imagine each drop cleansing away the jealousy, pain, and self-loathing I feel inside. Yes, my body is telling me that confessing to Usagi and Motoki how I feel about their relationship is the right thing to do. Soon, and for the first time since I left Motoki and Usagi on that cold evening a week ago, I’m breathing like I don’t even have to think about it any more.

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‘So, how do I go about this…’ I think to myself as I put on a fresh set of clothes. Ah, so this is what it feels like to be clean. It’s nice! I contemplate various confession scenarios in my head as I clean up the hot chocolate mugs, cracked ornaments, and fallen pine needles. I walk past the CD player and realize that the disc has been on pause since that fateful night.

I don’t know why I do it, but I hit play. It resumes halfway through “Sleigh Ride,” the song I’d punched the CD player to stop playing by the time Usagi finally left.

 

Our cheeks are nice and rosy,

And comfy cozy are we,

We're snuggled up together

Like two birds of a feather would be,

 

My chest constricts again as I gaze longingly at the green lights of the CD player ticking away how much of the song is left: two minutes and thirty-three seconds.

 

Let's take that road before us,

And sing a chorus or two,

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you.

Two minutes and four seconds now. I take another deep, cleansing breath and turn away from the stereo but leave the song playing. Instead of focusing on the lyrics and daydreaming about a sleigh ride with Usak-- Usagi, I try to bob to the uplifting beat and channel the same happy energy that the song has. By the time those last two minutes are through I’m dancing around my apartment and somehow feel like a million bucks.