Dimitri's POV in Vampire Academy (Fanfic)

Chapter 13

Daily life continued uneventfully after that—which I was grateful for. The rumours about Rose had begun to quiet down—pretty quickly, I thought, and there were no more incidents with Lissa. I continued to keep my distance from Rose, retreating back into my casual mentor role. Rose still seemed worried and preoccupied, but at our practice, she would always give everything she had. Sometimes I would notice her looking at me covertly, but reassured myself that she was just absorbing my demonstrations and trying to put them to memory.

As per usual, her only free time was during church service, and I had time to note her presence before I forced my attention inward. I tried to nudge myself back into some routine, to go through the motions. And part of that was...well, having this internal monologue with myself. So much of my time was devoted to others; to teachers, students, Rose and Lissa...but now, I finally had the time to focus on myself. I felt the tension in my eyes ease up at not having to constantly look around me, and then, I began to remember him.

Ivan.

No matter how much time had passed, I couldn't quite let go of the guilt. I had a hard time letting go of people who I was close to, which was why I tried not to let people come too close lately. But Ivan...well. He had saved me from a miserable future. He'd been a good man, a good, carefree Moroi, and I'd let him down.

I remembered some of our better moments together. Like most Moroi, he would often visit vampire clubs, though unlike most Moroi, he steered clear from dhampir women. I had respected him a lot for that. Still, he was plenty flirty with his own kind, and when he noticed some Moroi girl's interest in me, he would always bring her over and introduce us. Of course, he did it to tease me, and knew well enough that I couldn't date a Moroi, not that I was interested anyway. But it was just...nice, in a way, that he acknowledged me as a person. As a friend.

Ivan was like that. Carefree, playful, innocent. I found myself missing him. I wondered what I would have said to him, if he had known about the situation I was in.

So, Dimka, out of all the women you could choose between, you chose to fall for your student?

I haven't fallen for her.

Are you sure? I could picture Ivan's knowing, playful eyes. Then why can't you stop thinking about her?

I sighed. Thinking about Rose doesn't mean I've fallen for her. I'm just dedicated to her, that's all. She has a lot of potential.

She does. Again, I felt Ivan's watchful gaze. So what's your plan? You wait until she's graduated?

I shook my head. No. There can't be anything between us.

Why not?

Because we have to put Lissa first. Moroi...they come first.

It was an old argument. It always would be. Even if I allowed myself to fall for Rose...I would endanger Lissa. And I could never, ever lose a charge again. If I did, love wouldn't matter. I wouldn't be able to love someone if I was broken inside.

Guardians were second to themselves—that's how it would always be. I tried to tell myself that, no matter how much it pained me to lose the potential of Rose's love, it didn't matter. Only they did.

I tried to repeat that mantra to myself every day. The more I did, the more I could ignore everything else, the storm surging under my calm surface. But while I could control myself during the day...the nights were the ones to haunt me. While asleep, my mind was oblivious to rules, to honour, to doing what was right. In dreams, my mind explored what it truly wanted. And it was always the same thing. Or rather, the same person.

I saw her all the time. Rose. Rose swathed in red, in roses, in fire, in blood. Everything was red red red. Her brown eyes, boring into mine, undoing me. Her hair, curling over golden skin...the black bra, the tight jeans. The curves of her body, the strength, so rigid and sensual at the same time. The scent of her floral shampoo, mixed with her sweat, wrapping around me during our practice sessions. Her bright, breathtaking smile when I replied to one of her joking remarks.

I'd wake up sweating, panting, wanting. I'd lie there, staring up at the ceiling, forcing myself to calm down, to gain control of myself again. Sometimes I would take a cold shower, sometimes I'd take a scalding one. Anything to cut off my imagination, my desires.

I did everything to keep myself occupied. I reread all my Westerns. I listened to more music than ever before—anything from the 80s, but even some classical music. I trained excessively, and volunteered for anything the other guardians needed. I even wrote Tasha an email. And every single time at church service, I'd wrestle with these thoughts, with these wants, with duty. I reminded myself that I could do better. You can always do better. Try as I might, Rose's knowing gazes never stopped haunting me.

Rose was unusually cheery during our session that day. She marched in with determination in her eyes, looking up briefly to offer me a hello before launching into her exercise.

'In a good mood today, I see,' I commented, glad to see her that way.

'Yep,' she replied, her eyes secretive. 'I'm a woman on a mission.'

'Uh-oh.' I raised an eyebrow. 'Should I be worried?'

She unleashed her beauty queen smile, beaming at me. 'Nope.'

'That's not convincing at all.'

She laughed. 'Don't worry. It all has to do with being a kick-ass guardian. You know. The usual.'

I rolled my eyes. 'Of course.'

Her attitude puzzled me, but I didn't want to question it. I left her to it, and when she left practice that day, she was still in happy spirits.