Should I Rewrite All My Broken Story Behind?

31 August 2019

If you were firstly saw me in real life, you might be considered me as 'orang yang keliatannya banyak masalah hidup, orang yang keliatan sedih banget, orang yang suram, orang yang blablabla'

Yeah, that was i am.
I don't expect too much from y'all perception.

I just wanna say,

Why did i confirmly, unconciously, secara tanpa sadar-pun, secara alamiah menampilkan raut wajah demikian.

I just, yeah, i know exactly all of you have been through the same path.

But. Me.

I've been walking 22th years on the way which full of thorn hurting my both feet. Aku secara kebetulan seakan-akan melihat banyak sekali keburukan didepan mataku. Sedari sebelum masuk TK, sedari SD, sedari SMP, dan bahkan melewati masa SMA.

Banyak hal buruk yang aku lihat.
Meskipun aku sudah berharap dan berdoa agar aku tak selalu melihatnya.

Oleh karena itu, saat menjadi mahasiswa sekarang, i wanna be my true self. Whatever people would say about me, i just want to be me today. Aku akan mencoba menjadi sosok positif yang penuh semangat, kerja keras dan perlawanan terhadap hal-hal buruk.

Yah,
Namun, you know,
My resting bitch face can't easily removed like pencil on the books.

Itu hanya terjadi secara alamiah, di alam bawah sadar yang mengendalikan raut wajah.

And from now on,
I was actually hurted why people at that time which saw my 'unrelatable' face would ignoring me, stay away from me. It hurted me so much. Till now.

I know it was too much if you could say.

But, i have no real friends indeed.
Yeah, i socialize, of course. I made some friends, always made new friends.

But, bruh,.
There's no real friend.
Who would standing still while i'm not going to smile at them. While still accompany me even when they know i was in a hurry and i was in a bad mood.

I need someone who would still smile while i told him/her all my mistaken for years and trying to pull me back to motivate.

But, no one.

Even my family.

My parents, i was always worried about their financial because they always told that to their children, always blame on me which the only one kid who went to University. I fell hurted, it sounds they were 'keberatan', they were not agreed my choice for always thirst of studying.

When i comeback to my hometown.
Again and again
I got an anger by them, especially my mom. She always blaming me for nothing i've done yet. I felt so guilty back then. I'm pressured.

Mom, i just want to study and become 'anak yang membanggakan keluarga karena memiliki banyak prestasi'.

But, you've always blaming me, not sister, not brother, but ME. I'm here, 'rantau', tanpa kerabat, tanpa kenalan, berjuang sendirian mencoba berdiri dengan kedua kaki. But, why did you always blame on me? Kenapa selalu memarahiku setiap aku pulang? Padahal aku sudah merelakan waktu belajarku yang berharga, waktuku membaca buku-buku penuh ilmu, untuk membanting tulang bekerja membantu kalian.

I have no words, but.
I'm hurted. So much.

For my dad,
Thank u for always being a sweet and lovely dad who always worrying abt me and my study 😭 I love you dad. I wish i could mary a man who just like you.

My sister,
She was .. Pekerja pabrik.
Aku hanya takut aku akan menganggunya saat aku ingin bercerita sekedar membutuhkan wadah, agar aku tak berakhir menjadi gila.
Tapi, aku yakin sekali aku pasti mengganggunya. Aku hanya akan membuatnya terbebani dan khawatir tanpa bisa berbuat apa-apa karena keluarga kecilnya sendiri punya kekurangan.

And, my brother,

He was just a realistic guy. Have no much dream. And i thought he just want to live peacefully, tanpa perjuangan, tanpa bersusah-payah. Yah, sepertinya itu yang akan terjadi jika menjadi anak bungsu.

Dia minim sekali mimpi. Dia sangat realistis, dan seringkali tak bisa meyakini mimpi-mimpi besarku.

Dan, yah, kau  tahu,
Dia tak bisa hidup tanpa mengikuti teman-temannya. He such a cowards indeed. Sebenarnya kalau mau, dia bisa pintar di kelas dan menjadi ahli dalam menguasai bidang pelajaran yang bermanfaat bagi masa depannya, tapi jika temannya berkata TIDAK, oke. Dia pun akan menurutinya.

How a cowards.

And,

I am.

Still walking here.
No friends, just me and God.
Walking on the thornfull road, not a dreamy flowerry road like i was always wish as a child.

Struggling all day long, and always praying to God that everything will be fine for me and all of people in the world.

Okay, buddy.
Let's have a chat sometimes.

Sorry, i have to back to work now.

#Nakao