Should I Rewrite All My Broken Story Behind?

12 Desember 2020

Since I had no one to talk,
I had no friends at all,
And I was too afraid I'll granting my family more when I told them this.

I just gor robbed yesterday, cost 350k. I want to use it as daily life and my rent pay. But it all gone now. I had to starving for almost 1 week from now on, before I got my salary, even at least my salary had to be paid for my rent house. Yes, that mean, i would life myself extremely starved.

Today i broke my another cellphone, the one that i used to write a content for my company-wannabe, and so many things were saved there. Such as my documents, my works, my entertaining songs when i was about to die, my project application like Canva, Youtube, Wattpad, VideoEditor. All was saved there and that phone now die, i couldn't wake it up. I thought i had to bring it to my acquaintance reparator but sure it will cost again, at least 50- 100k.

I got nothing now.

I cried.
Till my tears were run out.

Then i realized, there's nothing change when i cried. I had to do something about it.

And the answer was of course i did.

Yeah, but it seems like the world was avoiding me. I don't know which person, or how much people I've been hurting till now so God decided to punish me like this. Everything wasn't went good.

Honestly, at my top now, i thought about why did God create me to just suffer like this. I didn't even remember when I had a bright smile, a beautiful happines even for once, in my 22th years of life. Why didn't He just killed me already?
Am i really dissappointing Him so He was angry at me?

But the truth is, I am desperately want to live.

Since I am here, I want to be recognized as a live creature. I want a happiness. A friend, a family, a passion, a safe place.

The more i think about it, the more i think God really hates me and angry upon me.

I told you before.
I cried.
Till my tears run out and dry.
Even in my pray and my sleep, I cried.

But, it seems like God really close His eyes towards me. Cause He maybe thought about thi, "You gonna suffer till the end of your life, kid."

I can't do anything about it.

Even i prayed so much.
Even i cried His name so hard.

He didn't show His mercy till now.

Yes, I had my life. That was something i could be gratefull for.

But, am i really had to life in forever suffering?