- Child's Play [#1-RB] (Descendent) by C00XC01 -
Let me preface this one with a note that this is my example review, so it is for a friend. This does mean that I have other knowledge of the characters and how they end up, however, I've never actually read the story myself until now, so it does not affect my review other than the special note at the end.
#BlameIDA.
Cover/Blurb: Do keep in mind, I'm not a graphic designer, but I did find the cover somewhat hard to read. The blurb was intriguing, and would definitely bring me in, but I am a tad confused as to why the story opens with the chapter on Saleh, despite the blurb being focused on Hida.
On to the review!
What I Liked:
Your writing style is absolutely beautiful. It's almost lyrical to read, and it paints an incredibly vivid picture and description of what is going on. It reminds me of many high fantasy authors, particularly Terry Brooks. Well worth reading for the time and effort put in.
I was instantly drawn to the darker, more jaded tone of Saleh's narration. He clearly had more than enough reasons to see the world in a less than friendly light, if the first few paragraphs are anything to go by. Karam's simple naiveté and apparent joy for life despite the darkness around him buoys the bond between the pair quite nicely. Their friendship and mutual support was immediately evident despite only being present for one chapter. Why were they friends? What were they doing? Why did Saleh put so much stock in the friendship of a slave? I wanted to know more. It was very well set up, and the hook at the end of Chapter 1 was perfection. Applause to you.
Getting into the second chapter, as there are only two available to me right now, I felt Hidayat's struggle and confusion very clearly. Your control over emotion and thought in your characters is masterful on many levels. I hated Assar, just as you promised, and dammit, I couldn't help but feel empathy for Isaac, despite my blatant intent to hate the man, and I hate you for it. Well done.
I desperately wanted more to read, but alas, it's your first draft, again, and you're a slow writer. Write faster!
What I Did Not Like:
You writing style is masterful, but sometimes, you can get too verbose, and then it becomes hard to read. Occasionally, your word choice, though very high leveled, drags me out of immersion because I can't understand what you're trying to say. I know it's a first draft, and I don't fault you for that. But some of the vocabulary could be more effectively used in moderation than it currently is. And as with anyone who does description well, wordiness and purple prose are a fine line to walk, and you do tend to dip into that side of description with the big words!
It was frequently hard to tell how old the characters actually were. They would flip-flop between sounding incredibly childish to incredibly mature on varying themes, and despite your description, sometimes they would manage to have things that just appeared out of nowhere (Where did Hidayat's helmet come from?).
It was also very choppy at times. I found myself getting confused on how characters were getting to places so quickly, when they were in their heads and when they weren't, and what exactly was happening to move things along and characters from place to place. I felt like I was missing random chunks as I read, and it did throw me off more than once. I was getting lost in all the quick jumps from one thing to another.
Overall Conclusion: Needs some significant baseline spelling and grammar type editing, and the description needs to be separated out from the purple prose. It also needs to feel more continuous in the events.
Beyond that, though, give me more! Let's go, I want more Saleh already! It was a good read for being only two chapters so far, and I'm certainly interested in actually reading it now.
Final Rating: I wobbled back and forth a bit here before deciding on a 6/10. It has quite a bit of potential to be a really good read, but it still needs some obvious editing to get there.
A Special Note of Rage:
IDA CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF. THAT BASTARD DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS A NICE PERSON AND HE SURE AS HELL CAN FUCK OFF SALEH I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS DESCENDENT HIS FEATHERY ANGEL ASS CAN GO DIE IN A HOLE
