Theodore decker x Boris pavlikovsky OneShots

💙lachambers💙Feeling Blue (But Never in Your Arms) by:Anonymous

Nobody cared more than Chris did. He was always there when Gordie needed him most. He seemed to be the only person that knew the right words to calm him down when everything wrong in his life would start to weigh him down, as it always did, no matter how much Gordie tried to be strong and push away the thoughts. Chris always knew what was wrong, he always knew, and he always did whatever he could to protect Gordie - to be Gordie's saving grace.

This was more than he could say about his own goddamn parents. His mother always tried to get along with him, he could tell, but she always fell too short of being able to care. During the limited amount of time he would talk at the supper table, all he could see in her eyes was sadness where there used to be joy and interest. He didn't blame his mother for this, as she was almost as close to Denny as Gordie had been when he was alive - before he became the 'invisible kid'.

His father, on the other hand, didn't even bother trying to hide his disappointment in Gordie. It wasn't like he really had been before Denny had passed anyway, but he had started to get more clear about it; over time it seemed to be edging on verbal abuse, if it wasn't that already. It was also very clear that his father was at the point where he had to try hard to keep himself from inflicting physical pain on Gordie as well.

Either his father didn't notice the effects it had on Gordie, or he didn't give a shit; Gordie assumed it was the latter - although he had tried many times to convince himself that it wasn't. It wasn't that he didn't hear Gordie crying in his confined bedroom at night (hell, he often did it in the middle of the day even), or didn't notice the spaced-out look of misery in his son's eyes during supper - he just didn't care. It was that fact that hurt Gordie the most.

He couldn't even escape the pain outside of the confines of his home - the 'Cobras' (Ace and his gang) always seemed to be right around the corner, just waiting to give Gordie and his friends trouble. The names Ace would hiss (no pun intended) at him would float around in his mind for hours on end. They were often enough to make Gordie's eyes glassy with oncoming tears, which eventually came cascading down his face time and time again.

Gordie wished he could be strong - he wished he could be like Chris, who would always put aside his problems to comfort Gordie. He wished he could just stop being so goddamn sensitive, because it hurt him even more knowing that Chris was always doing this for him, he felt like such a bother. He knew it would push Chris away eventually, he just knew that his best friend was bound to get tired of Gordie's nonstop bullshit.

But Gordie was weak, he knew it, he knew that he was such a fucking crybaby - and he knew that hated himself for it.

That's what brought him to this moment in time, with his face stuffed into his soft pillow, that quickly became soaked with the warm tears that seemed to never stop coming. At some point, though Gordie wasn't sure when, the sobbing became almost daily. He knew that the constant crying probably wasn't healthy, but he couldn't stop it. His tears had minds of their own, presenting themselves whenever they wanted and, no matter how much Gordie would try to will them away, they would always find their way down his face at a nearly alarming rate.

No matter how many times it happened, he would always feel disgusted with himself afterwards - disgusted to a point where it made him angry. He would bring his hands up to his burning red face as fast as possible, aggressively pushing the tears from his face and eyes. He hated himself, he had every reason to - he was tiny in every sense of the word, there was no doubt about it. That's not how boys are supposed to be. Boys are supposed to be big and tall so they could play football and date girls; at least this is what his father would remind him of whenever he would 'talk' to him. Dating girls was another part of the problem, as it often occurred to him (and scared him very much) that he had never been attracted to any girls. After making this realization for the first time, he had even tried to get himself to be attracted to girls in his school - but to no avail. What scared him even more was the way he often caught himself thinking about his best friend, Chris. At the age of 16 (going on 17), Gordie had finally admitted to himself that had a crush on this boy of 17 for just over four years. He even found Chris starring in his first wet dream - and every one after that. He would wake up, drenched in sweat, still being able to feel the remnants of his dream's hot imprint of Chris's big hands, gripping his hips and ass. The feeling of Chris's lips pressed against his own. And suddenly, the tears were back and quickly streaming down his face and dripping off his chin. Gordie knew exactly why this happened every time - because he hated himself. 'Why?' he would think, 'why me?'. He hated himself because he was a faggot and he knew it.