The Aftermath

Steve

Steve watched the clock. It became some sort of a ritual for him to, at least once in a day, stand in front of the clock and watch it tick for a whole good minute. Then he would face away from the clock and wait for a few seconds as he looked around with anticipation. Nothing would happen of course, or at least not the one thing he hoped to happen. Bucky quietly watched him do this the first few weeks they moved in their Brooklyn apartment, so eventually, he filled in his friend's curiosity.

"See you in minute," Steve said softly. "Those were her last words to me. If I knew that was to be the last time I would see here, I would have said something back."

"What would that be?" Bucky asked.

Steve paused and looked outside the window with longing eyes then he said, "I don't know, Buck."

He remembered the last time he saw her, she was smiling. He realized later on that that smile was probably the only truest and happiest smile he saw from her since the first snap happened. And all he gave her in return was a half-ass smile because his head was filled with the thousand ways their mission could fail, while she, she was savoring the moment, filled with hope that finally, she was going to see her family again.

The truth was, Steve felt guilty and ashamed. In the last five years of Natasha's life, he sort of abandoned her. He packed his bags, left the compound, and settled back in the city. He fooled himself, convinced himself that he wanted to move on. He lied to himself thinking that he could actually do that and in the process, he left Natasha on her own. And now, he could only imagine all the days and nights Natasha spent alone in the vast spaces of the facility, with no one to talk to. There were nights when she probably fell asleep on the couch with the TV on and would wake up panting and sweating from a nightmare with no one to calm her down. Then there was the day she decided to stop cooking a proper meal because she had no one to share it with and then there were the days when she danced, on her pointe, and no one was there anymore to witness her grace. Because he abandoned her.

"She probably hated me," Steve said. "Or at least a part of her did."

"She could never hate you, Steve," Bucky assured him.

"How could you know?"

"Steve, she risked her life and freedom, no, she forfeited her freedom when she let us go, back in Berlin, remember? Plus, I'm sure there were also the hundred more things she did to probably save your ass because you were being an idiot."

Steve looked at Bucky and saw his huge grin. Bucky was right, of course. Steve finally smiled.

"She loved you, Steve, of that I'm sure."

And he loved her. Not in the same light as Peggy but he loved her with as much fervor as he did Bucky. When he had nothing, he had Bucky. When he didn't have Bucky, he had her. He always had her which made his present situation difficult to deal with.

Natasha was a nice surprise for him. He didn't expect that they'd fit perfectly together. They started as opposites who eventually met in the middle, two souls with different origins but melded beautifully together as they found themselves in the same path. And he would never give up on her. He finally accepted that it was irreversible but he was keeping hope tucked away in his heart that there was still something they could do. He imagined, if Tony was alive, the man would be relentless in figuring out what that something might be and he would be helping him anyway he can. But Tony was gone too and all he can do was take care of their family. Of Natasha's family.

Pepper wanted to hold a memorial for her too. But Clint said it wasn't necessary. Natasha was not one for the spotlight. Besides they didn't have a body to bury anyway. But Clint's true reason surprised him.