Bleeding Pen ~ disorders and poetry

Five Second Darkness

!!Trigger Warning!!
Self Harm and Gore

Disclaimer: I don't do self harm anymore, it's been ages I did that. I don't promote self harm or deliberate harm to anyone. If you ever feel like venting, no, I wouldn't say, call up the hotlines, I'm always here, you can always talk to me♡

♡You deserve love♡

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"Five Second Darkness"

So proud I've been clean for so long
So brave, so proud, I feel so strong
Scars, a year old, scars which I made belong
Scars telling stories and written as songs

Blades and cutters, I made them myself
Saw the beauty in blood and insanity in myself
Cut and sliced through own skin and flesh
It felt pleasing and gave peace to myself

It's dark, it's scary, it's how it was
Reasons were harsh, and all had a cause
Perfect they wanted me, I gave myself flaws
Broke the rules, watched me bleed and said fuck the laws

Is it almost a year now? It looks good
Faded and faint, I feel good
It looks clean, my girlfriend is pleased
A few more lines... maybe I could

Reasons back then were valid and painful
Now I feel great and sane, and sort of joyful
Still I wonder, once a while, sometimes when I'm bored
If I had a scar or two, fresh, red and pretty, so beautiful

It's a five second darkness when I think like this
I get scared, feel uneasy and a bit nervous
Think of the blade, desire it and shake the thought away
Is it called suppression? 'Cause more scars would actually give me bliss

I think about my girlfriend and how she'd be hurt
But a part of me knows how to convince her and maybe flirt
I think twice and then leave the thought to dirt
And when my girlfriend and I talk, from the topic I can't avert

She tells me it's fine and she doesn't force me
I tell her I won't hurt myself, I now do love me
And before she leaves I do say something creepy
"Baby don't worry, it's just blood in which I want to wash me"

- Madeeha Anwar
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Once again - if you've been clean, for even a few days, I'm proud of you♡
Don't break your streak. I won't say go out, meet people, but yes, reading books helps. Trust me on that one.

Much love♡