A Diamond in Islam | (Published) ✔

{10} Taqwa

Amira Sarker

A conscience of guilt pricked against my soul, gnawing and biting down on the tender parts of my heart like the guilt would slowly suffocate me. Damon was becoming too addicting to ignore, too lovable to hate. There was more to Damon than he let on, more to his life than all those rumors.

Rumors seemed like nothing but a loose string in a ball of yarn. They had no meaning, no significance when there was a far greater story beneath it all. Truth be told, Damon and I had quirky conversations and at times borderline flirtatious. He would tell me about his day and I would tell him about mine from the most exhilarating to the most frustrating parts.

We shared many laughs together, but deep down I knew it was wrong. I was allowing myself to become vulnerable to him, an action I swore off the day that death kissed the lips of a loved one. I didn't want to disobey Allah, yet here I was continuing to speak to Damon as if it were no big deal.

My family and I sat in a car, heading out to dinner. I had automatically agreed to come because I needed some time away from my phone screen and laptop. I needed to get away from Damon and his addicting personality. 

My parents had noticed my odd silence, occasionally calling my name to make sure I was still a functioning human. It was common knowledge that parents had a sixth sense when it came to their children, and mine were no exception to that rule. My mother and I sat in the backseat, and her hand reached to grab mine in her own, squeezing it tightly.

Even Tanwir could sense that something wasn't right about me.

Instead of prying, my father did what he usually thought was the best option. He told us a story, one with Islamic significance. It was more like giving us an Islamic lesson.

"Do you guys know what Taqwa is?" he asked.

"Isn't it like fear of Allah?" I questioned, hesitantly.

"Not entirely. There's more to it. There's not an exact word in English or any language that can describe Arabic words. Taqwa is a high state of heart, which keeps one conscious Allah's presence and His words. It motivates one to do righteous deeds and stay away from the forbidden," said Baba.

"What do you mean, Baba?"

"Let's say that you are watching T.V. Then the athan (call for prayer) goes off, but you're still watching the show. The show you are watching is bad. Your mind is not going off and telling you that it's wrong. You don't feel so guilty. That's how you know that you don't have Taqwa. 

"But, in this same scenario let's say that when you are watching this bad show, your mind goes off in alarms. Telling you that it's wrong and keeping you aware of Allah's presence. Then you feel guilty. That means you have Taqwa. Do you get it?" asked Baba to Tanwir and I.

"Yeah," we both said.

I looked at Tanwir. He looked like he didn't care, but his fearful brown eyes showed otherwise. They were swirling with guilt as he seemed lost in his own thoughts.

Did I have Taqwa? I mean when I do something bad and it's against the teachings of Islam, I feel pretty guilty. I thought about it for a while.

When I talked to Damon, I did feel pretty guilty. I needed to stop talking to him. As the days went on, my feelings for him got stronger, and I didn't see him as just a friend. It scared me.

I had no idea what possessed me to even start talking to a boy who was weary of my community, but my heart didn't abide to logical reasoning. 

It had its own eyes, its own ambitious needs. It lurched for a man who was out of my reach, a boy who couldn't understand why I chose to believe in Allah.

There was no happy ending to this tale. We were too different and our personalities surely clashed against one another. Allah was my priority because without Allah I had nothing. Without Allah, I was alone. My spirituality meant more to me than a highschool romance.

I knew that if I was patient, then Allah would reward me for it. There was a man out there for me, one who would cherish me till the day I died, one who wanted to marry me. Damon would not be that man.

I shook my head. He doesn't even like me and here I am thinking of what if I had a future with him. What is wrong with me?

As I stared at the blurry scenery while our car zoomed through the interstate highway, my thoughts continued to wander to a green-eyed boy. I had never had this problem before. What was this test? How could I control my heart?

I'm going to stop talking to him starting tomorrow. Just today and that's it, I promised myself. Deep down, I knew stopping it altogether would be much more complicated than it seemed.

Assalamualaikum guys!

I will try to update faster In Shaa Allah. Remember to vote, comment, and fan ;) Thanks!