Life in Paintings

Chapter 12 - Through a Camera Lens

Chapter 12 – Through a Camera Lens

 

I’m not standing up when I wake up. My legs can’t keep me up. My hand automatically goes to breast and I literally start sobbing when I can feel it, when I realize that they haven’t actually cut it. I know it’s not a hand or a leg, I know that in the grand scheme of things, losing a boob isn’t that dramatic, but I can’t help crying over it.

I’m sitting down, crossed legs and I’m shaking and I need to hold on to my legs, lifting them up, resting my forehead against my knees.

I don’t think I can keep this up. The first few paintings were absolutely horrible but I’ve never felt as violated as I did in the last one. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would react if I had actually lost my boob. I should start carrying a blade on myself so I can kill myself quickly so that if I ever have to go through something awful I can end it on my own terms next time.

But thinking about this doesn’t make things alright. I’m not alright.

I’m about three audible sobs from rocking back and forth on the ground, that’s how messed up I am at the moment.

“Wow, it’s the first time that one of my hallucinations has a nervous breakdown. I’ve got to admit, it’s kind of refreshing.”

I look up at the owner of the voice. She looks about my age, with short blond hair and piercing green eyes. She’s petite and wearing overalls covered in paint and she has brushes sticking out from every pockets. “Excuse me?”

“Your breakdown,” she motions towards me, “it’s refreshing.”

I frown. “I’m not confused about the breaking down part. I’m quite aware of what’s happening to me. I’m confused about the hallucination part.”

She shakes her head, with the shadow of a laugh on her lips. “Of course you are. My hallucinations never think they’re hallucinations.”

“I’m not a hallucination…” I ponder over that for a second. Am I a hallucination? I might appear as so for the people in the paintings. Maybe after Gustave woke up the next morning after I disappeared he convinced himself I was just a dream. “Well, I don’t think so. At least, I don’t think that’s how it works. If anything, you’re the hallucination.”

This time she actually laughs. “That’s a new line too. No one played that card yet,” she says and grabs a bottle, twisting off the cap and popping pills in her mouth.

“You have hallucinations?” I ask, trying to get a clearer picture of who I’m dealing with. She looks none threatening. She looks like the kind of doll I could have wanted when I was a little girl. But that doesn’t mean she won’t try to harvest my organs in three seconds.

“What gave it away?” she asks.

I nod my head to the bottle still in her hand. “You’re taking medication?”

“Yeah.” She shakes it and I can hear the pills clinging against each other. “It doesn’t always work, but it’s a start.”

I get up, extending my hand. I’m proud to see it isn’t shaking. “I’m Melody.”

“Tanya,” she answers and shakes it. “Are you done with your breakdown Melody?”

It’s funny to hear someone say my name, and even more so from her. For some reason she seems to pronounce it carefully, like saying my name is important and she must not mess it up.