Looking to Lose (completed)

*3*

I'm dying. I'm sitting at a barstool at work and I'm dying and no one even notices. I am dying of embarrassment.

My younger sister lost her virginity last night, prom night. How fucking cliché. Even more surprising was that my sister told me herself. I mean, we are close, but not that close. So, when I walked into her room this morning to ask how prom was, I was not expecting her to bare her deflowered soul. I'm willing to bet she thinks I'm no longer a virgin. I mean, her older sister who has just spent two years at college, not living at home? It practically screams sexual freedom.

"Rick and I had sex!" She whisper-shrieked as she ducked under the covers, no doubt expecting some sort of explosive reaction from me. Moments later she peered back over her duvet, finding my face entirely blank, my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

"How was it?" I manage to find my voice.

"Why didn't you tell me how painful the first time is? Jesus Christ, thank God I took off my prom dress because mom would have had a hissy fit if she found it covered in blood. But Rick was so sweet about it, and he laid out a towel for me so we wouldn't stain the backseats – "

"You lost your virginity in the back of his car?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, yeah, not all of us have a private room like you do," she said blushing. "But even though it hurt, I've never felt closer to him. I mean like yeah, it's physically the closest we've ever been," she giggled "but also emotionally. I love him so much," she finished with a sigh, her eyes glazing over dreamily.

"I – I'm happy for you," I croaked out, barely containing the anger festering in my chest. I remembered my duties as the older sister and ask responsibly if she used protection.

"Of course – a condom, and he pulled out."

"What a gentleman," I muttered. Using work as an excuse, I fled her room before we could get into the detailed gossip session that would inevitably ensue, one I would've embarrassedly struggled through.

So here I am, dying at Books & Co., the only witnesses to my demise being stacks and stacks of novels. Has anyone died from being a virgin before? Because I'm pretty sure my autopsy report will read "Death by Virginity." Either that, or embarrassment. Whose little sister loses their V-card before them? And I thought my predicament could not become any more abysmal.

Groaning, I shove another one of Ros' cookies into my mouth.

"Honey, are you stress eating?" I hear her ask from behind the stacks of boxes she's been sorting. She's looking at me with concern coloring her features. "Are you alright? Do you want to take the day off?"

"No," I say a bit too quickly. Going home would only mean I have to talk to Jayla even more about her glorious sexcapades – I'm close enough to death as it is. That would be the fatal blow. "I'm perfectly fine." I don't think I deliver a convincing performance because Ros eyes me warily before agreeing to let me stay.

Jayla lost it.

No. Please don't say you're saying what I think you're saying.

If the gravity of the situation wasn't so enormous, I would have laughed at Mila's text message.

Yup, Jayla is no longer a virgin.

Me and you against the world huh?

I smile. At least I still have Mila. If I was alone in this, I don't know what I'd do. Having someone to talk about it with, who actually understands what it feels like to still be a goddamn 19-year-old virgin is consoling. I know that compared to most people's problems, not getting laid sounds like a pretty pathetic issue. But at 19 years old, my confidence is nowhere near its full potential yet. This is the stage in a person's life where they are most vulnerable to self-doubt, self-hate and self-destruction. And as silly as it sounds, a little validation goes a long way. Being a virgin at my ripe old age makes me feel worthless, like I can't even get one other person in this whole world to think I'm worth spending a night with.