State of Soul

Autumn is Alive

When the leaves begin to change, I feel a certain kind of way.

It's difficult to place it into words. After all, I never really understood this sensation. It's not negative, but it's also not overly positive.

The air becomes cool and crisp, a sense of spookiness filling the atmosphere. The smell of chili and hot chocolate floods my nostrils while a football game plays on a nearby television. The days slowly begin to grow shorter and constellations shift to a new group. All is changing and turning.

For as long as I can remember, autumn has always brought forth this sense of familiarity within me. I don't understand it, but that's not without trying. I've attempted time and time again to understand my strange connection with the months between summer and winter, but I'm always left emptyhanded. With each time the sun rises and sets, I remain with no clues.

In these months of changing and decaying leaves and Halloween decorations, love seems possible to obtain. The music sounds sweeter and the air is more breathable. My heart flutters more and my mind is clearer. Temptations grow small and fears tremble beneath a new wave of bravery. All appears possible and dreams are within my grasp.

I don't understand how this works and I don't know why it is the way it is, but it is. In the chilled breeze, I am one with the wind. My soul becomes restless and fierce; I can do anything. My fingers itch with a new creative power that I cannot explain; I can do anything. My heart races and flutters with more hope than I can emit; I can do anything.

And yet, even with those emotions of power, I still sense this wave of despair looming over me.

It creeps and hides, disguising itself as the aftermath of joy. It lurks and waits to demolish me, though I try to ignore it. At least, that's what I try to do. Every time I attempt to swallow this feeling it's as if I'm choking on glass. It's a rough coarseness that slashes my voice and causes me to tremble. For when fall fades into winter, the emotions I know too well will ambush me. And they'll carry on all the way into summer.

For three seasons, my soul will be tormented and taunted by the voices in my head, though there will be nothing I can do. I'll chew and swallow those raw emotions, but once autumn comes, freedom will temporarily claim me as her own. In those chilled months between August and December, I will smile more. I will capture images of changing leaves and chase the sunsets into pumpkin patches. Scary movies will play, and coffee will taste sweeter. I will bundle myself in knitted beanies and take deep breaths.

The air becomes cool and crisp, a sense of spookiness filling the atmosphere. The smell of chili and hot chocolate floods my nostrils while a football game plays on a nearby television. The days slowly begin to grow shorter and constellations shift to a new group. All is changing and turning.

And I will know I'm still alive.

© 2019 K.N. Herzner