Kageyama's Queen of the School [Kageyama Tobio]

[25] Back At It Again

Back when I was at Kitagawa Daiichi, I remember that I wasn't always the quiet and mousy Tomo. Or, at least, it was never as bad as it got today.

I was the same rule-follower; everything had to be reported, and rules were a sanctuary for me. If you followed the rules, nothing could go wrong. There were two reasons why I believed that, and, luckily for me, those same two reasons were the cause of my downward spiral into my overwhelming anxiety: my mom and Oikawa.

My mom was terrifyingly strict. I remember always wondering how a bank manager could meet a biker and fall in love; the differences between the two of them were just so astounding to me. The odds were astronomical, and I used to think that because the odds were so rare, that they were a perfect match. But, I forgot to take into account that half of marriages end in divorce. I grew up in a household that had unbreakable, unquestionable, unbendable rules. The day my mom left my dad, and tried to leave me behind as well, I realized that some rules weren't necessary. I saw her make Dad cry, and her rule discouraging being emotional finally stopped making sense. She said being emotional made everyone weak, but I learned from her that having no emotions made you weaker. She couldn't handle the pressures of being a mom, so she chose to leave it behind.

Though, that didn't stop me from wanting to be with her. I was at an age where I needed that feminine guidance. So, I chose to move in with her for a small period of time and regretted my decision the day after unpacking. I learned that day that some rules were made to protect yourself and others, even if you didn't like them.

Oikawa taught me that some rules were made to control, and to look down on others.

Toto really ingrained in me to doubt the intentions of others. When I met him, I was younger; my dad knew his parents through the gym. I didn't begin talking to him until middle-school, and I made the mistake of making him my confidant. He used everything I ever told him against me whenever it was convenient and eventually only kept me around as someone he could use. He claims that that was never the case, but looking back on it, I'd have to disagree. Whenever the act went too far, Iwaizumi-San would notice and try to intervene, but Oikawa had already mastered his manipulation skills far too well. By the time he graduated, I could finally breathe. During that time, however, he had managed to hide his ways from my dad and I didn't even bother explaining that his second son could be a bully.

Still, I missed Toto sometimes. It would be rare, but sometimes he really did look out for my best. There had been times he had rescued me from bullies, stating that the only one with the right to bully me was none other than himself. He once caught me in the rain and walked me home. When I would get hit with a volleyball that hadn't been sent by him, the gym would be horrifyingly silent as he made everyone run laps. Those moments were rare, also astronomical, so I thought that they would make his mean ways worthwhile. All in all, I guess he was a friendship who turned sour, but one that I learned to acquire a taste for.

After being pulled left and right, fighting with my reasonings on difficult choices (since I always somehow would make the wrong ones), I somehow just stopped fighting it all and left my anxieties to grow. The two people in my life that I never fully knew how to feel about became my two reasons for never being confident in my decisions.

Which was why I was so torn about lying to Kageyama. I wasn't sure if I had done the right thing. Like every other case in my life, I was sure it was going to come back and bite me in the ass.

I had lied to the team before— I lied about Hinata's grades so that we could keep that amazingly terrifying freak duo. That lie had been beneficial, and that lie had gotten us to where we are now. The lie had covered for the team, and the lie had been an innocent lie. That lie wasn't the one looming over my shoulder, watching and comparing the players, already aware of who was going to come out on top. That lie wasn't whispering in my ear that the false confidence was only setting them up for much worse pain later on.