as you can already see from the title, i'm having the absolute worst dysphoric morning
the struggle and emotions inside of me where just too strong today and needed out
what follows is not flowing like my other works
its messy and cut off sometimes, just my thoughts and feelings projected into words
today i wake up, look into the mirror and i dont see myself
by now its rare that my morning is already defined by my crooked brain
still, i wake up with a different name, a different mind and a wrong body
its been ages since my gender has jumped to a different identity
but at the same time its still the same just... leaning towards a different end
and i look into the mirror and i cannot recognize myself
my face does not match the image in my head, my body is a misshaped image of the true me in my head
i often wonder how i look to others when i laugh or frown
i sometimes can't imagine my face doing that, it just seems so out of place
on days like these i feel how seperated my soul is from my body
they are two different things
philosophy might try to deny that statement but i know some ancient text does not apply to me right now
im something entirely new and weird, even to myself
and on days like these i realize the harsh reality of my power
i can do anything to change my body, my soul even demnads it
at the same time my logic screams at me; is this right? do you really want that?
questions put there by other people mistrusting my judgement of how i feel
people who i dont even know, people who thought it wasnt harmful to spit disbelief and hate into the world
i hate these doubts
i know the image in my head
i know how it does not align with my physical form
i want to change that
i want to reform everything that does not fit
its scary to have that power
its even more scary to have these thoughts
