warmups and excerpts

19/10/2019 - I'm So Tired and I Want to Stop Existing

Ryan sat still in the chair, her wings folded. She dug her dug her hands into the side of the redwood table, taking deep, controlled breaths.

Pull it together. She thought. Pull it together. Come on, you can do this! Nothing's wrong! You're safe!

Zack approached Dominic, a paper in his hand and a smile on his face.

The two laughed together, making references to an event Ryan didn't recall. She guessed it was another case of the two bonding while she was stuck in the celestial realm.

You're replaceable. They don't need you anymore. You cleaned up your mess.

Ryan exhaled. Her shoulders ached and still hadn't adjusted to the added weight of her wings, it was one thing to have new muscles to help, but it was another to have what Carson likes to call "the weirdo effect"

For an artist, he wasn't that creative when it came to naming things. It would do him good to think about it whenever he washed the paint off his feathers. But she doubted he'd ever get over his habit of starting new paintings that would be doomed to be unfinished with the permanent name "Untitled."

Carson sat down across from her and poked at her plate of uneaten food. A crooked smile crossed his face.

"You good?" He asked.

Guilt wracked her mind. Why was she thinking that? Wasn't Carson her friend? How could she be so horrible?

Replaceable. They'll abandon you like all the other horrible people they used to know once they find out. You'll be nothing but a passing joke.

Ryan dug her nails further into the table.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You haven't eaten."

"I'm not that hungry. I've had a super small appetite as of late, I bet it's something to do with being a magic now or something, right?"

Carson stared at her poker faced.

"No." He said. "If anything you should be hungrier."

Ryan laughed nervously and pushed her plate away, eager to change the subject.

You're a self-destructive burden, even your friends can tell.

He hates you. They all think you're the weakest link, the one they can always go without, or maybe they think you're a liar. After all, you stretch the truth all the time, don't you?

She asked Carson about his newest project, he rambled on about things Ryan didn't understand, but she enjoyed seeing him happy. It kept her mind off of everything else, even if it was getting harder and harder to keep up with every passing day.

Don't get too happy. They'll all eventually be gone, just like all the other friends. Just like Devany and Liam.

Something will go wrong, something always goes wrong.

Dominic walked towards the table and patted her on the head with his wing.

"Hey! Quit it, you birdbrain!"

Dominic chuckled and messed up her hair, before moving on to talk to Carson.

It was good to see Dominic happy too. He'd gone through so much through the loss of Devany and through what Liam did to him, so she couldn't complain, after all, what kind of person would she be if she didn't want her friend to be happy?

Burden.

Yet, there were times where she couldn't help but think she was a reminder of all those memories. She was a liability.

How long until she snapped like Liam, or became as sociopathic as Trophonius? How long would it be until she turned out as cruel and cold-hearted as Aemulus?

She closed her eyes and felt her throat. The large scar left from where Aemulus clawed her throat out was a constant reminder of the event.

"Do you know what you are, or do I need to enlighten you?" Aemulus spat.

Ryan couldn't respond, instead grabbing at Aemulus's hand, desperate to free herself. She gasped in response to the fire celestial's question.

"A bug." He said. "A tiny little insect worth nothing, it's a shame, at least John contributes something, whereas you..."

He didn't finish his sentence. A chuckle rose from his throat.

"Ave atque vale, little girl from above."

He held her out to face the chaos of the battlefield. Dust and blood covered the clearing like a fog.

"Do I have your attention now?!" Aemulus called out.

The battlefield came to a grinding halt, glowing eyes of magics all set on Aemulus.

"Invictus maneo! Witness your precious savior—your girl from above! Witness her now, at the mercy of my hand!"

Zack placed a blanket over her shoulders. His smile lit up the room, she couldn't help but smile with him.

"What's with the blanket?" She muttered.

"You mentioned you were cold."

Ryan looked down at her hands. She shoved them into her pockets to try and tame the shaking.

"Thanks."

Zack paused for a moment, fidgeting with the end of his sweater.

"It happened again, didn't it?" He said.

"No."

"Ryan, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a horrible liar. You know we're here for you, right?"

Burden. Burden. Burden. He's only saying that to be nice.

"It's not that. I trust you guys, I love you guys so much, I swear."

Do you really? Do you really trust them? You've barely known them for a year.

Zack looked at her, concern plastered all across his face. If Ryan knew one thing, it was that he deserved better than to be stuck dealing with her.

"You can tell me what's going on Ryan, it's ok."

"Ok. I don't belong here, Zack. I'm a time magic! Christ's sake, they call me Delphini or some other bullcrap, I'm just supposed to be down there in that stuffy castle, not with you guys. All I do is harm you."

I bet he's thankful you admitted something for once.

...

*ave atque vale - hail and farewell

*invictus maneo — I remain unvanquished