(Unofficial): Architect's (Fantastic) Fables.

The Tortoise and the Hare. (Or, how being fastest doesn't mean you'll win.)

Once, there was a hair and a Tortoise.
(Alchemist: That's the wrong kind of hare.
Architect: FINE! Ahem...)
Once, there was a HARE and a Tortoise.
(Alchemist: I think I've heard this story before...
Architect: Shut up and let me tell it.)
The Hare was graceful, fast, elegant, and had beautiful white fur... The Tortoise was a tortoise.
However, everyone knew how clever, how ruthless, how EXTRAORDINARY this Tortoise was. They mocked it relentlessly, trying to cut it down so that it would feel bad about itself and wouldn't realise what they already knew.
(Alchemist: I'm pretty sure that's not how the story goes.
Architect: Well, this is my version, and it's better.
Alchemist: Are you sure about that?
Architect: OF COURSE I AM! Ahem...)
"You're so ugly and slow!" Said the Hare, "No-one likes you!"
The Tortoise yawned, and then replied slowly:
"I may be slow, and ugly, and maybe a little dull. But I am also wise. How about you and I have a foot race?"
The Hare laughed. "You? Race me? But I am so fast and beautiful! You wouldn't stand a chance."
The Tortoise grinned. "Are you afraid of me, little hare?"
Now, all the Hare's friends were watching, and he shuddered. To back down now would be to admit that he was afraid - which he wasn't - but the tortoise's confidence left him worried.
"Okay, fine then!" The Hare conceded.
(Alchemist: You know a word like 'conceded'?)
The Tortoise continued, "We shall race in one week. You may pick the course. Feel free to train as you feel you need to."
The Hare laughed. "Train? That's unnecessary. It will take you a week to get to your home from here!" (The Tortoise was in his front garden)
Regardless, the Tortoise said, "One week."
(Alchemist: I'm surprised. This isn't so bad. A fable about standing up to your bullies and showing off your own strengths...
Architect: That's not what this is.
Alchemist: Oh? Then what is the moral?
Architect: You'll see!
Alchemist: Oh this cannot be good...)
On the first day, the Hare was laughing with his friends, when he saw the Tortoise relaxing in his yard. Instantly, seeing him so calm, the Hare began to sweat.
(Alchemist: Do hares sweat?
Architect: Does it matter?)
The Tortoise looked up from his book and nodded to the Hare. "Hello," he said.
The Hare stammered out, "hello," back.
The Tortoise asked, "How is the training going?"
The Hare somehow managed to spit out, "Training? I don't need to train to beat you!"
The Tortoise nodded. "Whatever you say."
On the second day, the Hare saw the Tortoise eating a large meal at a nice restaurant. The Tortoise saw the Hare and nodded - the Hare made as quick an exit as possible. If the Tortoise was being so relaxed, could it mean...he could actually win it? With his tiny legs, his awkward feet?
(Alchemist: Hmm.)
On the third day, the Hare saw the Tortoise getting a massage from an incredibly sexy cat, and had enough. When he got home, he did 100 push ups, 100 sit-ups, and loads of star jumps.
On the next day, he did a 10km run, drank lots of juice and was just getting ready for a long swim when he spotted the Tortoise, chilling by the lake. With a confident attitude, he approached his shelled opponent...
(Architect: Shells, hmm? Oh, like the Jupiter Cannons! Did I tell you about the time I made a blockade entirely out of-
Alchemist: Get back to the story, please.)
...and asked; "How goes your training?"
The Tortoise yawned again. "It's going alright. I'm not trying too hard, but I believe I'm improving."
The Hare snorted. "You're improving? Well, so am I! I'm already twice as fast as I used to be!"
The Tortoise nodded. "Good for you."
His lack of concern caught the Hare of guard, and the Hare became angry. He vowed to get even faster.
On the fifth day, the Hare did his routine twice, pushing himself to his absolute limit. He was exhausted, but sure now that he could beat the Tortoise.
Imagine his surprise on the sixth day, when the Tortoise showed up at his door early in the morning.
"Good morning," said the Tortoise, "I just wanted to see how you were doing, and double check that you still wanted to race me."
The Hare scoffed. "Of course I am! Why, are you having second thoughts?"
The Tortoise shook his head. "No. I look forwards to tomorrow." Then he walked off down the garden path.
The Hare was furious. He trained even harder that day, going even further than he could have thought possible.
The next day was the day of the race. The Hare arrived at the starting line he had chosen - the course was massive, spanning almost all the way to the horizon and back again. The air was electric - quite the stir had been caused around this race, and almost every animal was there.
Finally, the Tortoise arrived. He dragged with him a big, brown sack.
The Hare laughed. "Do you need any more handicaps? Is this just an excuse for when you lose?"
The Tortoise shook his head. "You'll see."
A kindly Stork strutted up to the line and announced: "The race begins in Three...Two...One...Go!"
The Hare raced off, leaving dust clouds in his wake. The chances of the Tortoise catching him were minimal.
THEN THE TORTOISE RUSTLED IN HIS SACK, PULLED OUT A ROCKET LAUNCHER, AND BLEW THE HARE TO BITS! AHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Alchemist: I should have seen this coming.)
THEN THE TORTOISE (AHA) TURNED TO THE OTHER ANIMALS (AHAHA) AND SAID (HAHAHAAaaaa...) "Don't judge me by my size" (hahaha) "but by the size of my gun." And then he walked the track, and beat the Hare to the end! (Hahahaaaa!)
(Alchemist: Unbelievable. I should have known. You were telling this story, I SHOULD have know.)
And so, the moral of this story is, you can't lose if you have a rocket launcher!
(Alchemist: This was a waste of time. That was an awful story.
Architect: I thought you were enjoying it!
Alchemist: I was so stupid. I'm leaving.
Architect: I hope you took something from this!)

"I'm not insane, just because I find the only way to think outside a box is to blow it up."

-Architect