Ronnie Banks - imagines [2014/15]

38. I'm just tired of being alone

I sat alone in my restroom. I sat there drawing lines on my wrists with a blade. One line for every time I had ever felt alone, useless, dumb, ugly, or fat. My arms, thighs, and stomach were covered with scars. Ugly, pale scars covered my body. No one knew, nor would anyone find out. Not my parents, not my friends, not Ronnie. My parents were at work, as usual. Their always too busy to pay attention to me or how I felt. They only cared about paying bills and working. My friends thought I was happy. I mean I do put up a pretty good act. I mean who would expect a girl who was hyper every second of every day or the girl who laughed at everything. No one expected someone like me to "depressed" or a "cutter". I was not depressed if I was depressed I wouldn't spend time with my friends and have fun or hang out with my amazing boyfriend. That's what really eats at my soul. Keeping it from Ronnie killed me inside. He never questioned why I wore hoodies all time or why I don't like people touching me or wearing really short shorts or crop tops. He didn't mind that I wore jackets all the time or that I didn't go the pool or the beach with him. I didn't want to bring him into this. I know that he helps people who do what I do and helps them get better but I don't want to bring that into our relationship. I know how he would react. He would break down and cry. He would sob and ask why. I couldn't do that to him. I quickly rinsed my wrists and dried my wrist. I walked out of my bathroom and there stood my boyfriend with flowers and a teddy bear, but when he saw my wrist those things fell out of his hands on to the floor. His eyes filled with tears and his lips were quivering. I looked down and started crying to myself. I knew it. I just messed up everything. I let the tears fall off my cheeks onto my carpet. I felt Ronnie's arms wrap around me. He pulled me into his chest as tightly as possible and he cried. My silent tears fell onto his shirt. "Why" his voice cracked as he managed to get the words out. "I'm just so tired of being alone." I whispered. I closed my eyes and let myself go wear in Ronnie's arms. He held me close and tight as he sniffled. "What do you mean alone? You could have come to me (Y/N) you could've gone to your parents or your friends." He pulled away from me making me stand up on my own again. I cried harder, "My parents don't care ronnie. They aren't ever home to care and even when they are home they're doing something and never pay attention." I saw his eyes soften when he heard my words. "You still had me and your friends." He said pulling me to the restroom. He went to shut the toilet when he saw the bloody tissues floating in the water. He closed his eyes to stop himself from breaking down again and flushed the toilet. My heart broke. I had done what I never wanted to do, I broke Ronnie. I took his heart and broke it. His heart was like mine. I never wanted that to happen. I'm making him be strong for me. I don't want him to hurt like I am. He shut the seat and instructed for me to sit. I grabbed gauze and medical tape from my mom's medical drawer. He grabbed a tube of Neosporin as well. He set everything and began bandaging my wrists. "Where else?" he simply said. I hung my head in shame. He lifted my chin and made me look into his eyes. "Everywhere" I choked out before crying harder. I pulled up my shirt and took off my sweats. I sobbed into my hands. I looked up at Ronnie's eyes and saw his heart break into a billion pieces. His face went pale. "Why didn't you tell me (Y/N)? Why!?" He broke down in tears again. I took a deep breath before speaking, "I didn't want you to end up like this Ronnie, I know that you deal with girls like this and that it kills you to see them so unhappy and that it would absolutely murder you if you found out that I did it as well. I didn't want to bring that into your personal life I didn't want you to have to deal with it personally. I didn't want for me to be your downfall" It was silent. Neither of us spoke. Ronnie sat in front of me on the floor with his head in his hands. I got up off the seat and reached under the loose tile and grabbed my blade. I saw Ronnie look up at me. He stood up and looked at me closely. I lifted the toilet lid. I dropped the blade in. I grabbed Ronnie's hand, "Together." We pushed the leaver. The toilet flushed and we watched hand in hand as the small silver circled and circled then was gone, forever. I hugged Ronnie and he planted a passionate kiss on my lips. I broke the kiss and put our foreheads together. "I'm sorry." I said. "No, I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. Promise me you will stop and I promise I'll be there for you through anything and everything." He said as he looked me in the eyes. "I don't know if I can stop Ronnie it's like a bad habit." "Okay then do this, Every time you have the urge to cut because of something take a piece of paper and in pencil draw a line or however many line you feel necessary. Then when that problem is gone erase the line. If that doesn't work then do this," he picked up the roses off the floor, "Take a petal and cut it. Put the petal in a jar and save them." I nodded, "For now on every line you make on your skin ill make one to match it." I looked at him in shock and saw he was serious. "Okay?" he said "Okay."