Sanditon revisited

10: It is an affliction

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In which Charlotte and Sidney attend a London ball

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Charlotte was still as pensive when Sidney sought her out again later that afternoon.

Babington had called on them shortly after Molyneux's visit with the good news that he had secured invitations to a masked ball that evening. Everyone would be there, and it was a splendid opportunity to spread the word about Sanditon and the regatta.

"You must come as well, of course, Miss Heywood", Babington had finished off, turning to Charlotte, as did the other two men.

She felt all nervous with Sidney's eyes on her and her hands became clammy.  Part of her wanted to go, would love to see what a London ball was like, would love to dance, but she knew she would not be to her advantage after a day like this and though normally curious about all things new, she was also slightly terrified at the prospect of facing a crowd of high society people.

"Thank you, Lord Babington, but I am really not in a mood to be sociable."

Mr. Parker was still watching her intently, in the same way he had this morning and she thought he must be relieved to finally be rid of her company. "Excuse me", she blurted out and left the room, unaware that Sidney's eyes followed her, silently begging her to change her mind.

Now he was here in person, doing just that under the pretence that Tom had asked him.

The Miss Heywood he found was feeling miserable and full of self-doubt. After Otis had left, Georgiana had told her that his confessions about gambling debts confirmed Mr. Parker was right doubting him all this time. Even so, Mr. Parker had paid off all of Otis's debts. Georgiana still resented her guardian, for it was easier to blame him than the man she loved despite all his flaws. Charlotte however, felt that with all these turns she no longer knew what to make of Mr. Parker. Her thoughts spun with everything she had learned about him recently, trying to mould the pieces together and it made her increasingly doubt her own judgement because he seemed a very different man than she had taken him for.

When she looked up from the book she was staring at without reading and found him standing in the doorway with dark eyes fixed on her, her cheeks turned hot.

"Tom sent me up in the hope that you might reconsider and come to the party tonight. The regatta was your idea after all."

"Why did you pay off Otis's debts?" she asked abruptly instead of answering him.

His expression became bashful, but he met her gaze with earnest in his.

"I came to the realisation that a good man shouldn't be condemned for one terrible mistake." 

Charlotte had the sensation something heavy pressed over her chest, feeling like she was the one who had made an enormous mistake here and had to rectify it. Upset she got to her feet and struggled to find the right words, words which would be enough.

"Mr. Parker, I owe you an apology. I accused you of the worst kind of prejudice when it came..." she started breathlessly but he took a step closer and cut her short.

"I do not accept your apology."

Heart heat sank to her feet. It was too late. She had judged him wrongly and now he would not even let her make amends for it, or perhaps it was like the very first time she tried to apologise to him; he simply did not care what she thought or felt.

"Why not?" she still had to ask with quivering voice.

"Because I'm the one that should apologise." His chest heaved like he found this difficult too. "I have done you a great discourtesy, Miss Heywood. I've underestimated you."