Sanditon revisited

11: What are my sentiments, exactly?

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In which Sidney is trying to figure out what he wants, and Charlotte is confused and disappointed

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Mr. Parker had held her so close during the dance, closer than one was supposed to and yet she had felt like it was not close enough. His breath fanned on her face, his palm rested equally comforting and thrilling on the small of her back and she had the sensation of nearly touching his broad chest because his body heat escaped him and filled the narrow space between them. He had looked at her with an intensity no man had before so she had felt almost naked under his gaze but not uncomfortable, sooner like she wanted him to look at her like that when they were all alone, doing things to her she had not experienced before and knew little of.

His expression had shifted as they floated over the floor, from serious, to joyful, then back to serious again in a way that made her skin prickle. She could still not fully understand this change in him since last night; his unexpected repeated praise of her, how he no longer seemed to wish to escape her but on the contrary keep her close. It made her heart thump hard in her chest, made her feel heated, made her want to be closer to him than was appropriate for a lady to be with a man who was not her husband. She could not quite grasp this change in herself either. Lady Susan's words echoed in her head; 'It sound as if you are in love with him'. Was it possible? Was this what love felt like? She had always thought love would be a natural, uncomplicated feeling, like finding a safe harbour, nothing like the stormy feelings she had to admit she had for Sidney Parker. She was unable to shake them off though and strangely enjoyed them more and more when she allowed herself to give in to them.

When the music paused, she wished this was not the end. She wanted to stay in his arms, loose herself in him. For a moment he seemed as lost in her as she was in him, but he pulled himself together faster than she was capable of, took a deep breath and broke eye contact. His eyes fell on someone, he abruptly excused himself and disappeared across the room. She was a bit taken aback but still in high spirits when Tom asked her to dance. She thought Mr. Parker would return to her soon for sure.

"How happy I am to see the light return to your eyes, Charlotte", Tom had said.

"There is nothing like dancing to restore one's spirits!"

"Quite so, my dear, quite so. It seems to have had a similar effect upon Sidney."

"Do you think so?" Her heart made a little somersault. If Tom had noticed Sidney's changed manners towards her and an improvement in his mood it was not only in her imagination.

"It's undeniable. He is positively revivified, but then perhaps that is not so much due to the dancing, as to the presence of a certain young lady."

"Which young lady do you have in mind, sir?" Charlotte held her breath, hoping he would say she was silly for not knowing it was herself he eluded to, but he did not.

"He's talking to her now. Mrs Campion. It's unmistakably her. How strange that we were just discussing her only this afternoon. I heard she'd been widowed, I had no idea she was in London."

Only now did Charlotte see that the person Sidney had left her for was a very beautiful lady and she turned cold for some reason. A smiling Mr. Parker seemed to be absorbed by the woman in front of him. He did not feel Charlotte's eyes on him and did look up to search for her. Breathing got harder.

"I do not recall discussing a Mrs Campion."

"Ah! I daresay I referred to her by her Christian name. Eliza. Perhaps they will have their chance of happiness after all", he mused. "Excuse me Charlotte, I will go and greet her as well. Perhaps she will be interested in our regatta."