I walked through the garden of Matt's home, listening to the sounds of nature around me. I hadn't seen Jimmy since before I had lost the baby; maybe he didn't want to be with me, maybe I was stupid for getting my hopes up like I did.
A butterfly floated by me, causing me to lose my train of thought. I held my hand up trying to get the butterfly to land on it. It didn't; all it did was float on past me and disappeared in the suns glare. I smiled, taking a breath and letting it go as I continued my walk, feeling more and more relaxed with each step I took.
"Here you are, I've been looking for you." Matt's voice was loud and boisterous, breaking the spell of peacefulness.
Forcing myself to not roll my eyes I turn to him and smile, "yes Matt, here I am. I told you I was going for a walk in the garden, not my fault you were too busy watching porn-" his face made me laugh hard, the look of indignance was perfect for the situation. "I knew you were!"
"I- I was not watching porn Mercy!" His tone made me laugh harder, I could not only see the incredulity but also hear it as he stuttered. "How- why would you say that I was watching porn?!"
"I was playing, Matt, oh my gosh!"
He rolled his eyes, "I was wondering if you were up for a nice meal since you haven't eaten much since you got here. We have to get up early to head out on the tour so you'll need the extra energy."
Right, the tour. I had forgotten all about it; it was easy to forget that they were rock stars when they looked so normal.
I turned towards Matt and nod, "food sounds great." I hadn't had much of an appetite lately but I knew that if I didn't eat soon that Matt would get upset with me.
He stared at me for a few more seconds before smiling and wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me back towards his house. "Jimmy is here, he wanted to talk to you alone before dinner."
I felt myself stand up straighter; Jimmy was here, he wanted to talk to me. Finally, after two weeks of him not coming to see me he was here and he wanted to see me.
"Where is he?" My voice, although I wanted to sound excited I found myself sounding reserved, quiet.
"He's in your room, he want's to talk more privately since everyone is here." His voice was quiet too, almost too quiet as he opened the door and let me in first.
I didn't hesitate to walk up the large staircase and towards my room. I stood in front of my door for a minute, unsure of what I would face when I saw him. Would he look at me differently? I wasn't the same person I was just two weeks ago. I had a slight tan, light in my eyes, a smile on my face, and shine in my hair. I know I still wasn't the prettiest person to look at; I had scars on my body from the punishments, I had scars in me, I was permanently damaged. But that's okay, it made me who I was and I would rather be me than someone else.
Opening my door I quickly entered, stumbling a bit as Jimmy stood at the window with his back to the door. I announced my presence by closing the door loudly, my eyes glued to the beautiful man in front of me. I didn't know what to say as he turned and looked at me quietly, a sad look in his eyes.
"You didn't see me." My voice was shaky but louder than I expected, not in anger but just confidence now.
"I didn't know if you wanted to see me, I figured Matt was taking care of you."
"What has Matt got to do with you not coming to see me when I wanted- no when I needed you?" I was confused, Matt had nothing to do with him seeing me.
He shrugged, "I figured you had the person that you wanted by your side already. You called out for him when you-"I cut him off in mid sentence, "I never called out for him when I was in the shower, when I was losing my baby. I was calling out for YOU, Jimmy."
He stopped talking as that was thrown out, "you were calling for me?"
I nodded, "you were already gone or something. The fact was, I never once called for someone else. I wanted you, I needed you."
His eyes darkened slightly and his lips turned up as he started to smirk, "you wanted me?"
"Oh-" I grin and cross my arms playfully, "no, not at all."
He stared at me for a minute before walking up to me and hugging me lightly, "I missed you Mercy..." I blinked, startled at first but quickly recovered as I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him tightly.
"I missed you too... a lot."
He kissed the top of my head gently before sitting on the bed and pulling me between his long legs. I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him again. His arms wrapped around my waist tightly, pulling me on top of him as he fell backwards onto his back.
"What are you doing, James?" My voice was a whisper, it was hard to breathe with him this close to me. His eyes were playful and a darker blue than usual, his pupils slightly dilated.
"Oh, nothing..." his voice was almost like velvet as he grinned up at me.
I sat up, straddling his waist. and cocked my head to the side looking down at him. "Right; you aren't doing anything. Then why am I on top of you, James?"
"You can get up, it's not like I'm holding you down or something." He smirked and moved his hands to cup my hips lightly.
I hummed in response, not really able to think a proper thought and laid my head down on his chest. His fingers gently ran through my short black hair while his other hand rested lightly on my lower back.
This was happiness: me being with him, being in his arms and just relaxing.
"Are you okay, Mercy?" His voice was so soft as he held me tightly.
I nodded against his chest, "I'll get better. The doctor..." I shuddered as the memory of the doctor invaded my mind, "the doctor was cruel but the nurse ended up telling me that I was going to feel pretty depressed for a while because I had basically lost a part of myself but that as long as I had someone to be there for me that I would be able to come back swinging and that I will be able to have kids eventually."
"She was kind to say that;" his tone was sharp and harsh, no doubt remembering the conversation he had on the phone when Matt called him to tell him what had happened.
"When Matt called and told you what happened at the hospital... why didn't you come and see me or call me?"
"At this point... I don't know. I don't have an excuse. But I will always be here, if you need me or want me around I will be there. I promise." His voice was intense, the promise reverberating through it.
I nodded, not really knowing what to say to his promise. He rolled onto his side, looking down at me and playing with my hair unconsciously.
"You are beautiful, Mercy... I don't think you see yourself clearly enough."
I blushed and looked down, opening my mouth to make a come-back but unable to really to think of one.
"Mercy...look at me.." he whispered, cupping my face with one hand and letting his thumb gently glide across my cheek.
I looked up at him hesitantly, searching his endless blue eyes. He slowly bent his head towards mine until his lips pressed softly against mine. My eyes fluttered shut as I let out a slow breath, relaxing more into his embrace. My fingers dove greedily into his soft hair and I felt the hairs tangle around my tiny fingers, pulling him slightly closer and pressing my lips against his harder.
He pulled away, too quickly in my opinion, and smiled softly. "When was the last time you ate?"
I roll my eyes, of course it was to this already. "I ate breakfast, now please kiss me again. I was enjoying it." I pushed out my lips slightly, pouting adorably.
His smile made my heart twist and he quickly obliged, ducking his head down and letting his soft lips cover mine tenderly, coaxing mine into opening and moving in a sensual dance to his tempo. Our tongues touched gently and I shivered, pressing closer to him as the kiss intensified and became deeper and slightly more frantic. I could feel his erection against my stomach, hard and urgent; I slowly ran my hands down his sides, slipping them under his shirt and letting them explore the bare skin of Jimmy's chest. He rolled me onto my back, laying on top of me without actually letting his all of his weight on me.
His lips pressed against mine harder, his hands lightly held onto my waist before slowly sliding up my waist, pushing my shirt up as he went. I grabbed his hands suddenly, stopping them just short of my breasts and stared at him with wide eyes as I pulled away.
"I- I'm sorry, Jimmy..." tears welled up in my eyes as I pushed him off of me gently and quickly rolled off the bed and practically ran into the bathroom.
"Mercy! Hey no-" I heard him get off the bed and quickly walk over to the bathroom door, leaning against it, "its okay, I understand. Can I come in, please?"
I stared at my reflection in the mirror; my cheeks were rosey and bright, my hair in a slight disarray, and my lips were a little swollen. "Go ahead down to dinner, I'll be down soon."
I didn't think he'd believe me but he consented and I could hear him go down the stairs.
Sighing I quickly washed my face, trying to cool my heated skin. After that I sat on the toilet, holding my head in my hands as I realized what I had let happen. I angrily wiped a tear away as it fell from my eye. Crying would do me no good; obviously my eyes had other ideas as a torrent of tears fell steadily.
I was a horrible person, a tease to Jimmy and leading Matt on wasn't fair to him. I deserved to be punished, I didn't deserve to have these friends now or ever.
I opened the window and easily climbed out, looking for the fence the vines had grown along and slowly started to climb down it, cutting my arm somehow.
I looked up just as I saw Jimmy's head appear out the open window, "Mercy, what are you doing?"
I gasped and glanced down; I could jump and risk getting hurt but at this point I knew Jimmy was going to be outside soon.
I let out a breath and pushed away from the fence, landing on my feet but almost face planting as I quickly burst into a run, pushing myself hard as I heard the front door open with a bang,
"Mercy?" It wasn't Jimmy like I had thought it would be, but Brian. "Mercy, come back! Do you know how badly you could get hurt?* Brian was jogging after me, not even winded as he easily caught up to me and stopped me.
I panted and glared at him, "what?"
"You need to stay with us, Mercy..." I hugged myself as he looked down at me with disappointment in his eyes.
"Why do I have to?" I demanded, knowing the longer I stood here and listened to what he said was going to be why I didn't leave like I should.
"Because your uncle is still out there, his people are everywhere. They will stop at nothing to get you to him, to hurt you. Do you honestly think that we can let that happen and not feel bad? We care about you already, Mercy. Jimmy and Matt especially, although Matt likes to deny his feelings."
"I hardly doubt you all would notice me gone... I'm not that important."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself Mercy. I'm tired of this game with you; so what? You've had it rough for a while, but it happens to everyone. For the longest time, we were all like you because we couldn't get a label to sign with us. But we stopped and manned up, we stopped our pity party. You need to man up, Mercy; you aren't with your uncle anymore, you aren't in that house completely alone and being abused. You are safe, about to go on tour with people who are going to take care of you, and you will stay safe. Despite what you may think, Jimmy cares for you, Matt cares for you. We all care for you, so stop fucking running away and start facing everything with your head up."
As soon as he finished his speech, he turned on his heel and walked away; I couldn't believe he just left me, completely alone on the road that I had just been running down.
Away from him; away from all of them.
But what would I do if I kept running? Where would I go if I kept running? This was the only home I knew outside of where I had lived for so long. If you could call it living.
Before I even realized it, I was following Brian's retreating form- a small dot with my poor vision.
"Brian!!" I yelled out to no avail as he didn't stop or turn towards me. "Brian! Don't leave me!" He stopped, hearing the desperation in my voice. I ran over to him as he turned towards me, sympathy in his brown eyes.
