balderdash | poetry

BYSTANDER

As I walk,
past the broken shards,
past the fading clouds,
I do not lower my head

As I hear laughter,
I lock my heart
refusing to let it go
—let
t h e m
go

As I watch,
nostalgia hits me like a brick
I don't flinch
I stay put
Staring
Monitoring

It's what I've always been doing
Watch.
Day and night
Day and night
Day and night
Day and night

But as I walk,
past the broken friendships,
past the fading memories,
my chest tightens

As I hear laughter,
my heart betrays me
E m o t i o n s escape their jail
My body shakes

As I watch,
I can't breathe
Tears descend
Down
Down
Down
Down
Down they go

I shouldn't move
I shouldn't flinch
I shouldn't cry
Stable
Stable
I should be stable
and I should watch

That's what I've always been doing,
right?

Watch.
Day and night
Day and night
Day and night
Day and night

As I continue walking,
I betray myself
My feet halt
No

I want to turn around
I shouldn't
But I want to
Wait, not now
Not when I'm like this
Not when—

I look behind me
and I break

Everything's changed
And it hurts
So much
So much
So much

And they only laugh as my sobs echo around