Angels Of Hope

Epilogue

As the kids, Letty and I got back into the swing of normal life without the risk of deployment looming in the background of our minds. We were able to cherish the moments that we had missed with each other for the past year and a half.

Happy is what I feel when Letty walks in the door, when I know for the rest of the evening he's all mine. It's not that she's fireworks and chatter; mostly she's so quiet, unwinding after a busy day. Just being near her lights me up inside, gives me a serenity I can never know without her being close. It's like the breaths I take aren't full when she's away, like the smiles I smile are incomplete somehow. Just lying next to her is my favourite place in the world. It's her that creates the warmth in my soul, her that fills me full of love and keeps the fire burning in my eyes. If that isn't happiness I don't know what is, so I'll let it be my own definition, the one I keep with me always.

There was a time in my life I expressed my feelings in a true way, but we can't go on like that, right? We can't keep bawling like babies and throwing tantrums like toddlers; we do need to get a grip on our own minds. But there is a balance, a point of virtue, that I went passed so long ago. Every negative emotion is buried before I can even feel it, making me passive and weak. Everyone loves me for my smile and twenty-four-seven happy disposition, meanwhile every other feeling is crammed into my chest. Problem is, that space is getting so full, so much harder to ignore, and the disparity between my outgoing personality and inner pain is so difficult to bare. I wish I'd learnt to get these emotions out instead of bottling them up; there is no "healthy release" when the internal pressure is this high. How do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid?

My feelings are so neutral most of the time. To feel something different there has to be a positive or negative event. After the joy or sorrow has passed I reset to the middle ground, content, neither high nor low. I have friends who's default setting is "low" and that's so hard, I see them drowning in the air. I have friends who swing from one extreme to the other, happier than I can ever reach then lower than I've ever fallen.

I have been given more blessings than I feel worthy of. I still feel love, joy and happiness so strongly it makes me tingle right down to my bones. I've known pain enough to fragment my soul into such tiny pieces it took me years to reassemble my mind. When I come back from these strong emotions to a state of balance, I learn what I can from each emotion, feeling and experience. I love the way I am; I wish others could be this way too. It isn't boring, it's cozy, and being more neutral allows me time to think, time to stretch my mind.

When you are there to stop the disintegration of my feelings, to prevent the deterioration of my mind, I am reminded that not everyone is so fortunate. That you love me like you do is a miracle I treasure every moment of every day; it would be so beautiful if everyone had love like that in their lives. You give me the strength to confront my fears, my angers, my failings and know that I am still worthy of your love. With the strength you give I can know myself with unguarded eyes and realize that, though I am not perfect, I am good enough share love with you. I'm not afraid of my emotions anymore. I am a work in progress, always learning how to use who I am to help others find the love they need and deserve.