Taking the Risk

36-Truth Hurts, Realization Hits Harder-Jesse

I woke up with this throbbing headache, but I decided to go to school anyway. Now that Booke was tutoring me he had convinced me to come to school more often, and so his skills wouldn't be put to waste.

Friday evening we had decided on going to the pier, and upon my realization became the only thing I was actually looking forward to.

I dragged myself to school, trying to keep my eyes open the best I could. The rising sun drenched the land in light, but cool winds kept us chilled to the bone. I tugged harder on my jacket, eager to get inside. Time to put on my game face. This ridiculous charade I had created.

There was something off about today, I felt it. Maybe it was because doing this no longer played a purpose. I had built up this horrendous reputation to be alone, to get my father's attention and possibly get expelled. But that had failed. Ever since he walked into my life my plans have been thwarted. I didn't know if it was either good or bad.

I wanted to get my father's attention. I wanted to show him how imperfect I was, how this was his doing. How ridiculous everything had been. This was his fault as well as mine. We never got clear closure after that night.

I held still in close with the memories.

The morning passed with adequate ease, it was easy to pretend once you've gotten used to it. It wasn't until lunch when things began to get heated.

Petra had been looking for me all day, and she finally found me before I headed up to the roof for lunch.

"Jesse, wait, we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." I couldn't help but retort, huffing. "Look, I meant what I said on the phone. What you're doing is pathetic, you're smart, can't you see that?"

Her expression wrinkled with guilt. And there was this sudden grip on my emotions that I couldn't control.

"I know it was wrong, and it was stupid of me, I get that. I was just...worried. That's all."

"Worried...huh?" The wave of sadness had dispersed, replaced with something new. Anger? "Why would you be worried? It's not like we're friends anymore, right?

I wasn't used to seeing Petra frazzled, uneasy. She's been showing this vulnerable side of her more often.

"That doesn't mean I still don't care for you," she exclaimed firmly, trying to prove her point, "you wouldn't have wanted to talk to me anyway, I was just trying not to upset you."

"Upset me? Upset me?" I wanted to laugh out of clear stupidity. "You-don't even try with your excuses-no matter what you say, you left me. You ditched me just like that, and why, might I ask? Because you thought I'd go back to how I was before. You're just like everyone else here, you don't know a damn thing.

"Friends like you are the worst." I don't know why I had said that. Heat of the moment, maybe, but it made me feel unbelievably sick. I couldn't even look her in the eye, I forced myself not to look her in the face, not to look at what I've caused. I could already sense her reaction.

I was so, so incredibly enraged, and I had no idea why, why this anger instead of sadness, but the pain I've been putting off only seemed to grow. Moments like these pounded greatly on my walls, the bars around my heart rumbling, begging for break.

Why did it only hurt now?

I didn't look in her direction until I heard her footsteps disappear. Even those hurt. Her presence still hung in the air with the vibrant tension.

Why does it hurt now?

They say emotional pain hits harder than the rest.

I think it's safe to say I've had my fair share.