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You say you want what's best for me, yet you don't even know me. (This is directed towards my step parents :) .)
"Hi. You don't want to do that. This is what you need to do..." is all I seem to hear from you. I'm so tired of hearing those constant contradictions from anything I say. You don't even know me to suggest what I need to do.
Yes, you watched me grow up. Yes, you were there occasionally. But no, you never witness my true self; I always put on a facade around you.
You never see my stress and anxiety, and the breakdowns caused by them. You never see the doubt and fear lodged in my throat. You never see my bad days, where I can hardly stand to open my eyes and accept it is yet another day. You haven't seen it.
You haven't met my piss-poor attitudes, hanger, nor my intense anger issues. You haven't had to deal with the lows and highs of me.
You get to see the "good" side of me, which quite frankly isn't a real entity. It's an illusion.
I'm not okay. You didn't see me crying numerous times, wishing I had the courage to put myself out of misery. You didn't see me sign myself in to a hospital to get help, but only to be told I'm not in danger and then forgotten all about. Oh yeah, that's right, I was told I wasn't in danger, released and even though I have attempted numerous times to reach out for help, nobody seems to answer. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll snap someday and then they'll wish I reached out— right?
I'm trying to better myself, and although you may think you are trying to help me do so, you are making it worse.
I got a scholarship to a community college, F R E E C O L L E G E, but I "can do better than that." Yet, you seem to not understand how I work. And that may be my fault, that I have only allowed you to know my facade, but that's because you have never made he feel welcome to be me.
I have severe separation anxiety from my toxic mother, and although moving to college would be a good idea, like any bad, toxic relationship, it is hard to shake. I can't just up and leave, I have to slowly introduce myself into change.
I just wish you'd understand stand, I am trying to help myself, but it's hard when you tell me to do something else when I'm proud of what I did.
I need an "I'm proud of you" . . .
not an "you can do better" . . .
you don't see my daily battles . . .
