Birthday Prompts

Eventually...

Prompt: How about an angsty or hurt/comfort type of birthday prompt; December 13th 2014, merely 9 days post-Kissgate...Dealing with the stress and anxious thoughts about what Kissgate means for them in 2015 together after the birthday party winds down.

Trigger warning: Mentions of homophobia, descriptions of anxiety/panic attacks, general mentions of unstable mental health.

--

Karlie had become used to this, she'd become used to Taylor crying in her sleep, to the hyperventilating, shaking, to her waking up still sobbing. She usually only had such intense anxiety while awake, but over the last week the night terrors had become frequent.

"Karlie," She'd whisper on the rare occasions she could actually produce words, "Karlie, I can't breathe..."

Seeing her girlfriend in such a state would often bring Karlie to tears herself and when Taylor would let her she'd hold the blonde until it passed, mumbling soothing, sweet, nonsensical things into her hair until the crying stopped and they could go back to sleep.

On other nights Taylor would get up and pace though, those were the worst, because she wouldn't let Karlie near. She'd complain that it felt like everything was on fire, that she couldn't breathe, that she was going to choke to death on the invisible smoke. Karlie could do nothing but sit, let Taylor pace and cry and scream until she exhausted herself and came back to bed.

They both knew very well what caused these spikes in Taylor's usually so manageable anxiety, but none of them particularly wanted to discuss it. At least not then, at night, they did enough discussing of it during the day. In the past week there hadn't been a day where Taylor's publicist hadn't come over to the apartment, she spent most of the day there, discussing possible strategies for the coming year with the both of them and didn't leave until long after dark.

Their main strategy was supposed to be distance, keeping their distance from each other in public, both physically and verbally.

 Karlie hated it and she could tell Taylor did too. Tree assured them again and again that had there been any other possible plan of action she would have suggested it and they grinned and bore it because the alternative was too overwhelming, too impossible and too dangerous...

--

"Will we be okay?" Taylor asked this on her birthday of all days, all their friends had left and they were alone, save for their pets.

 Taylor sat on the couch in the living room, her hugging her legs tightly to her chest and an half empty glass of whiskey still in her hand. She was staring out the window at the dark New York night, avoiding eye contact and looking at the rest of the room. It was a mess, glasses everywhere, glitter and the string of Christmas lights Cara had accidentally torn down in the midst of her wild dancing laid in a defeated pile on the floor. Karlie found herself relating to it, which would have been humorous if it didn't look so fucking sad.

Dibbles was curled against Taylor's feet, having come to her rescue the second she sensed something was wrong and her soft snores filled the space between them as Karlie wondered how to respond.

Tonight had been a good night, the first one in over a week where it had genuinely seemed like Taylor had been able to forget about their troubles, laughing with their friends and dancing, acting like the 25-year old she was meant to be, without a care in the world.

From her question it was clear that the fun was over though, and Karlie put down her empty wine glass on the coffee table and sat down next to her girlfriend.

Up until this point she'd tried to keep strong for Taylor, because it was clear that with her anxiety flaring up and the stress of the possible implications this could have on the year and possibly several years ahead the singer needed a rock to lean on. A rock, unflinching and sure and yet at those words

Karlie felt what was left of the rock crumble and helplessly fall into the ocean. She was sobbing and the tears seemed unstoppable. Her chest tightened and before she could even register any movement on the other side of the couch Taylor was at her side, pulling her head into her lap and stroking the tears away.

Most of what had been discussed in all those meetings with Tree had been from a very practical standpoint. What should be their next step? How should they handle possible public questions regarding the incident? What consequences can they expect in regards to speculation? Next to nothing has been said on the nature of their relationship following this, although it has been implied that that's what Taylor was really most concerned about they had never outright discussed this, until now.

Karlie was almost ashamed at her own strong reaction until Taylor leaned her head down to kiss her.

"I'm sorry..." She whispered and Karlie shook her head and kissed her back.

"I'm sorry," Taylor insisted.

"No, I'm sorry you have to think about this shit on your goddamn birthday..." Karlie mumbled between sniffles, "I think we will be okay though, eventually." She finished a little lamely and a ghost of a smile danced across Taylor's face at this.

"We've got this!" Karlie promised and Taylor seemingly couldn't help but smile again. "It's just messy right now, but we've got this and we'll be okay!"

"We will," Taylor agreed, "eventually."

--

So, baby, can we dance
Oh, through an avalanche?
And say, say that we got it...