But I Love Him // choi jisoo (#32)

십삼

Julia

I sat down on the bench that Song DaeYeon's best friend Choi Soobin told me to after telling me to stay the entire day in Seoul, he had paid the train ticket for me and even planned to pay for my hotel room if I needed to stay for the night. I don't exactly know what is he up to and I am doubting him a little because I don't know him that well, I barely met this guy for less than a week and he ordered me to listen to his orders.

And I did listen to him, because I was too kind to tell him that I don't like people ordering me around but this was different, he was doing it for his best friend, the friend that was his neighbour and he grew up with him, the dense best friend that doesn't know anything about love and he is trying to convince him that he too can have the right to love anyone he wants.

I don't really know much about Song DaeYeon's feelings for me and how much I mean to him, but I am certain that I have feelings for him and I really like him. The meeting earlier with Choi Soobin only helped me confirm my feelings for DaeYeon and he is not just some new species that I have not seen before, DaeYeon is not just some nerd who is engrossed in his own delusional world, he is someone who has a hobby and a love for something that not many people understand and I like that about him.

I like that he enjoys being happy doing the things that he likes but he is always being oppressed by society as someone who likes things that are virtual reality and doesn't really exist at all. Because of that, he is afraid of letting others know that he has such a hobby and would rather want them to pay less attention to him than to have people talking to him all the time.

Choi Soobin told me all of that, and he is the one who doesn't mock him for having such a hobby that seems disgusting to other people, Choi Soobin accepts DaeYeon for who he is and that has made DaeYeon choose him as a best friend and would only be friends with him and no one else.

That would mean that he will not try to love anyone or have any interest in anyone for the rest of his life in fear that they might just be using him and not wanting to be friends with him at all, and he would give up on finding someone to love as well because they will be too good for him. And he is definitely going to reject him if I ever confess to him someday because I am way too good for him which is not the case.

I feel that he is way too good for me instead, he is better than me in a lot of things. He is good at making him happy and he knows what will make him happy and he will strive towards that thinking, he is good with his hands and he loves his music, he is always tapping his fingers to the rhythm subconsciously, but I notice it all.

While I, on the other hand, have no goals or aspirations, I don't really have a lot of hobbies other than to read or talk to my friends in school, other than that I don't have anything that I love doing. I don't even know what I am going to do in the future, and I am very lost about this, I am going to graduate high school in a few months and I have no ideas what I am going to take for my diploma.

My life this year has been a constant low for me as there is nothing new in my life that I can look forward to, it had been really boring for me because I have no idea how to make my life better until I met Song DaeYeon by chance that afternoon.

And meeting him was like a new breeze of wind into my life because he had made my life even more colourful than before. I feel like Song DaeYeon is the one that changes everything that I have now, and I am happy about that. But I just wished that he would have the same feelings that I had for him, I really can't imagine him not liking me, it would seriously hurt me and I will be really sad.

The sky starts turning grey and I looked up, it is about to rain soon and Choi Soobin hasn't given me any further instructions, I don't even know where the nearest shelter is at and I definitely don't know how to get to the nearest house to seek shelter at, it is my first time being in the suburban area of Seoul. Before I could even react, it started raining and it is pouring all over Seoul and I didn't know what to do.

My clothes are getting soaked and my belongings are getting wet as well, I am pretty sure that my smartphone is not working now because the water had already seeped into it. And the rain probably wouldn't stop for the next few hours, and I have nowhere to go to if Choi Soobin can't contact me. So I started crying, it was the perfect way to cry in the rain because no one will be able to tell the difference and no one else will ever care anyways.

They say that Seoulites are heartless and they truly are, no one has come forward to offer me an umbrella nor tried to bring me to the nearest shelter so that I don't catch a cold. And Choi Soobin and Song DaeYeon are the most heartless of them all, especially Choi Soobin because he was the one who told me to come here and wait at the park for 3 hours while he just runs off and he didn't come back for me at all.

Song DaeYeon as well, he only knew how to run away from me and never look back once. I felt no rain droplets pelting on my hair and face and there was also a shadow of someone holding an umbrella, and I looked up.

It was Song DaeYeon and he was looking all anxious while holding the umbrella to shelter me from the rain. "Why didn't you go home?"

That question hurt me a lot, it is as if he didn't want me here at all. "Song DaeYeon, do you really hate me that much? Do you really dislike me that much?"

"I... Err..." He hesitated to give me an answer and I got fed up at him.

I stood up, looking at him in the eye. "I know it all, I know that you dislike him and you think that I am annoying you too much. I know that and I am tired of you now, I will leave you and never see you again if that is what you wanted me to do from the very start." I ran from him and I slipped, sliding on the floor and that created a huge gush on my knee where blood started oozing out of it. And I passed out because I was afraid of blood.