My Secret "Sinful" Life

CHAPTER 1: May The Lord Be With You...Or Not

CHAPTER 1- May The Lord Be With You...Or Not

"Go out into the world and spread the word: god is everywhere. God bless, thank you." As the words rung out in the frigid silence, I rolled my eyes. What garbage, I thought.

Lots of hand shaking and "may The Lord be with you"s followed as everyone tried to shuffle towards the chapel door. Ugh, this is like some sick circus, I thought.

When we eventually emerged into to bright morning my eyes burned. "Wasn't that a lovely service. Never were truer words spoken!" My mum's enthusiastic words made me cringe. "My choice of words to describe it wouldn't have included "lovely". "Boring" and "pointless" maybe, "utter crap" now that's at the top of the list." I drawled lifelessly.

My words earned me a disapproving look from my mother. "Miriam, how dare you speak about our beloved lord in that way! It is a sin, blasphemy!" She stated indignantly.

"Oh come on mother you don't believe that do you? Are you totally brain washed? Not ALL of that stuff is to be taken literally! I see no reason for me to be dragged here every week, "our beloved lord" gave us free will didn't he? Well I choose to use my free will and say I'm not coming to church anymore." I retorted.

I saw something flare in my mother's eyes then, burning with anger like a raging fire. "Oh and I guess you're going to say next that it is not a sin to be homosexual? And that those who are so called "depressed" and who self harm, when they die they are going to get a pat on the back from God and be sent to heaven? No, I will tell you what will happen: they will get what they deserve and go to hell, the blasphemous attention seekers!"

She said this with so much conviction, I had to drop my gaze. I tugged at my sleeves as I stared at the droplets of dew on the grass, now glowing crimson from the sun, thinking of something to say- anything!

"And if you think you are going to stop coming to church," she murmured threateningly, "you've got another thing coming." Her eyes burned into me, making my skin crawl. My mother could be so sweet just like an upperclass business woman should be, but at the flip of a coin that mask could drop and a beast could be released. The mask was well and truly off now.

Her eyes softened slightly to an expression of disappointment. "Why can't you be more like your sister?!" She moaned.

Just as I was about to fire back with an angry comment, my sister appeared, hips swaying, texting and blowing bubblegum.

I turned to her with a sarcastic smile. "Ah speak of the devil. Literally." I smirked. That comment earned me a momentary icy glare before she looked back down at whatever message she'd just received from whatever other popular person she was gossiping with.

"Miriam be nice to your sister! Angel wasn't that service something special?" She asked my sister.

"Oh yes, I felt truly moved by every word he uttered!" She said angelically- which was quite apt! "Oh I'm so glad you feel the same as I do!" She said happily.

My mother linked Angel's arm and we started walking towards the car. "Mum, could I possibly stay at Sarah's tonight?" Angel asked. Mum's brow furrowed. "Well dear I'd love to say yes, but I'm not sure you should go, I mean I know no details!" She replied. Angel looked a bit crestfallen.

"Oh please let me go mum, it's just us girls meeting up, painting our nails, watching movies, Sarah's mum even said she had the new adaptation of "Wuthering Heights" we could watch and I've been so looking forward to seeing it!" She beseeched. Mum's brow smoothed slightly. "Plus I've worked so hard recently, I feel if I don't have some time to relax I might have a breakdown or do something crazy!" She added for good measure.

This comment peed me off.

"Well dear I see no reason for you not to go now I know the details, make sure you have fun, you work so hard and I couldn't be more proud of my daughter, we don't want you overworking yourself, it's always been one of my problems you know," she replied.

"Thanks mum you're amazing! Oh no poor you, how much we have in common we never knew. I guess some people have to bear the burden of stress." Angel said, putting her arm around mum.

"Indeed they do, sweetie, whereas others can just sail through life, without a care in the world," I could tell she aimed that last bit at me, but I didn't bother giving her a reaction, there was no point, it would just get me in bigger trouble.

"Hey mum-"

"Don't call me mum, when you address me you call me "mother" !" She barked.

"But Angel called you "mum" !" I protested.

She just ignored me.

We were now in the car on the way home, Angel and mum were sat in the front I'd been relegated to the back seat, having to crane forward if I ever wanted to speak to them, which luckily was rare.

"What was it you wanted to say when you rudely addressed me?" She asked, lacking in interest. "Oh yes I was just wondering, mother," and I emphasised the word when I said it, rolling it across my tongue, "if I could possibly go to Annie's tonight, we've got this geography assignment we have to do?" I asked.

"I don't think so young lady, I know that that is just an excuse to go round to that frivolous house, you'll probably end up drinking wine or something equally terrible like watching "the Simpsons" !" She said.

"But I really need to get this assignment done, it's 25% of my grade, I'm working really hard I deserve a break, if I don't I might breakdown or explode, please mum!" I begged.

She scoffed. "Oh please Miriam, you're just copying Angel! Don't pretend you get any of the stress your sister and I experience, you'll be fine, and do you want to know why I know you'll be fine? Because you don't work hard enough, try harder and then you might start experiencing a fraction of the pain Angel and I undergo. And what have I told you about calling me "mum"? You aren't going out and that is final." She stated sourly.

I sighed and stared out of the window, there was no point in arguing. She was wrong though, I do work hard, I work so hard- too hard. And what I said was true, one day soon I'm going to explode. I can feel it deep within me, building up, it's happened before.

She says I don't try hard enough, well one day soon I guess that will become true, I'll stop trying, I'll stop caring, and then see what she thinks; maybe then, once I'm more like darling Angel, she'll let me go out, maybe then she'll like me.