My Secret "Sinful" Life

Chapter 4- "Who I Am" Is All An Elaborate Disguise...Or Not

CHAPTER 4: "Who I Am" Is All Just An Elaborate Disguise...Or Not

Some psychologists say that fear is actually not a terror of the feared thing, for example: the dark, death or clowns, they say that by fearing something you are actually scared of losing the opposite.

People who are scared of the dark are actually scared of losing the light.

People who are scared of death are actually scared of losing life.

People who are scared of clowns are actually scared of losing who they are behind the mask and the makeup.

So when people talk about irrational fears they are incorrect. No fear is irrational as it isn't the fear of the actual thing, like the dark, but a fear of losing what they used to have before the darkness came; a fear of losing what they had when there was light.

Now I agree with this theory, at least I do to some degree. When I was younger I used to be afraid of the dark, but I lost that pretty quickly. I now realise why. How can you be afraid of losing something good if you never had anything good in the first place?

Back when I was younger and I had my innocence and naivety I was scared of death. But now I'm older and I have a better perspective on life I no longer fear death, in fact i'd probably welcome it. If I died the loss of life wouldn't matter as I had no life, it was meaningless and unloved. There is nothing in my life I could miss really.

However I admit I am still scared of clowns, and here's where my agreement with the theory is strengthened. My whole life, my entire existence is fake. "Who I am" is all an elaborate disguise. I am terrified of losing who I am under the mask I wear, and if I do then truly there would no longer be a point to my existence...

I would just be a sad, lost clown wearing a mask for eternity...

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THUMP THUMP THUMP

THUMP THUMP THUMP

THUMP THUMP THUMP

My brain throbs with every beat. If I have to listen to this any longer my brain will be pulsing this song's rhythm forever!

Angel playing this song tells you 2 things: 1) she's getting ready to go out on the prowl. And 2) Mum is out.

Angel would never dare listen to anything but classical music when mum was around in fear of tarnishing her perfect little girl status.

As I sat there contemplating which slutty outfit she would wear, I suddenly realised how hungry I was! All the time storming upstairs and writing lyrics I never stopped to think that I'd just thrown dinner over my sister!

I decided that I'd wallowed in my room for long enough and that right now my stomach was the priority.

As soon as I left my room I regretted that decision, my ear drums were being pelted with endless barbaric trash, I honestly could feel myself going deaf! Maybe I should have prioritised my hearing...?

I momentarily contemplated running back into my room and throwing my head under the pillow but then my stomach made the weirdest noise (which was practically in audible due to Angel's racket!)

I made a dash for the stairs and as soon as I reached the kitchen I slammed the door shut; the door was vibrating from the noise!

Considering the mood I was in I decided to make mountains of toast and gallons of hot chocolate- you can never have too much!!

"You know if you didn't eat so much garbage you wouldn't be so fat." Angel sneered, "ugh how many pieces of toast do you have? No wonder everyone calls you Fat Miriam. It's gross!" She squealed.