7TH DECEMBER 2000
deathbed; something taeyong
was on. he had his eyes shut,
as he felt his chest rise and
fall. his frail fingers twitched
a few times and so did his toes.
he felt unbearably cold. but
he wasn't surprised, he knew
how this was going to feel. he
also knows that the pain will
soon fade along, so he thought
he was going to be okay.
his mind traced everywhere
while his body remained still.
14TH JUNE 1990
❝ tae! you shouldn't hit mark
too hard with the basketball,
he's only 5. ❞ eleven-year-old
joohyun reprimanded the small
boy. ❝ sorry. but look, he's
enjoying playing basketball! ❞
seven-year-old taeyong coughed,
earning joohyun's attention.
❝ dad told you not to eat all the
popsicles in the freezer, but
what did you do? ❞ the girl asked.
❝ ate all the popsicles in the freezer. ❞
he admitted with a small pout.
joohyun dragged him to the
inside of the house along with
mark, settling both of them down
on the couch.
❝ pinch your nose and open wide. ❞
the eldest sister instructed, as she
fed the spoonful of pink cough
medicine into her brother's mouth.
❝ ew! it tastes like sh— ❞ taeyong's
mouth gets covered before he
could finish his sentence. ❝ just
because the bad people on
dad's favorite crime show says it,
doesn't mean you can.❞ joohyun
stated firmly, releasing her palm
off his face.
❝ thank you for treating my cough!
i love you joojoo. ❞ taeyong hugged
the older girl.
❝ i love you too. ❞
❝ i love you more. ❞
❝ i love you most! ❞
1ST MARCH 1998
mark held onto taeyong's arm,
backing away from the gates of
middle school. ❝ what's the
matter? i'm sure you'll do great
on your first day of middle school! ❞
taeyong pat the thirteen-year-old
on the back, giving him an
encouraging smile.
❝ i think i left my— ❞ but mark
was quickly cut off. ❝ water bottle
at home? it's in your bag. nice try
but we're not going back home ❞
taeyong said, pushing mark closer
to the school gates. ❝ i heard
the girl you had a crush on in fifth
grade is in class 1-3! ❞ taeyong
reminded him, trying to lift
his mood up.
❝ really?— oh, cool. ❞ mark tried
to play it off, only earning a
laugh from his older brother.
❝ hurry on, then. she must be
waiting for you! ❞ taeyong teased,
as mark swiftly made his way
towards the gate. a proud and
relieved smile crept up the older
male's face.
before mark could fully enter the
school premises, he stopped and
turned towards taeyong. ❝ hyung? ❞
❝ yeah? ❞
❝ thank you. ❞
19TH MARCH 2000
❝ checkmate, loser! ❞ jaehyun
cheered with his hands in the air.
❝ that's not possible, i always
win! hold on, i think you're
cheating. ❞ taeyong attempted
to defend himself. ❝ you owe me
a pack of caprisun. ❞ jaehyun stated,
earning a groan from the other.
❝ it's been awhile since i played
chess and i'm still great at it! ❞ he
praised himself. ❝ who did you
like to play with? seems like that
person taught you well. ❞ taeyong
asked out of curiousity, tidying up
the board.
❝ my mom, but she and my dad
separated when i was fourteen
so i'm not as good as i was when
i played back in middle school. ❞
jaehyun shrugged. ❝ do you still
keep in contact with her? ❞ taeyong's
mouth just can't keep shut, he was
all too curious about his new
best friend. ❝ nope. she flew to
france and remarried, she probably
forgotten i existed. ❞ he explained,
keeping an unbothered face.
❝ shit, bro. that must suck ❞
❝ eh. i have a stepmom now—
and she's a much better mom ❞
the two walked on the pathway,
waiting for the other to start a
conversation. ❝ by the way, why
do you hate the year-end
celebrations so much? ❞ taeyong
poked him on the arm. ❝ my
goldfish died on the same day. ❞
PRESENT DAY
it's peculiar that his mind had
more than enough energy to
wander around memory lane,
when his physique can barely
tap a finger.
he wondered what jaehyun
would be doing right now. is he
preparing for the year-end
event? is he still helping out
with the decorations? maybe.
he wanted to leave all the love
and good memories, not for
himself, but for jaehyun.
because he knew it will pain
him the most. so he wanted
to give the boy every bit of
love and hope his dying body
had, for jaehyun to hold on to
when he's gone.
pitiful, isn't it?
to stumble open someone who
was able to start a fire in you
that is impossible to die—
but that someone is not
always with whom you will
spend your life.
the sad thing is, taeyong had
hope.
he held on to the thinnest
strand of grace that existed in
his presence. he wanted to
believe that his story could
take a turn, and transform into
a beautiful fairytale. it was
probably the slightest ounce of
light that kept him awake, but
it was enough for him to
look forward to a tomorrow.
wrong.
because the hard truth is;
you cannot change things
by loving harder.
he was broken, and it numbed
him. if he was to fix himself,
he'd be in fear that he might cut
himself with his own shattered
pieces.
all he could portray was his
corpse, in that suffocating
'refrigerator'. his arms crossed
and his chest as still as cement.
it was so real.
taeyong convinced himself
that he was ok— but ok was
far from happy.
what has happiness to lee taeyong?
that was only for him to figure out.
so he smiled.
end.
