Love Me: The Manoir

A Week of Tears

Ever wondered what it's like to be trapped in hell for a week? I didn't need to look much further than my Year 12 geography trip. It wasn't so much that the trip was bad – other than the fact that I had to ask angry French people to describe their hometown – but more because it was one week of watching Caitlin slowly slip away from my grasp for good.

The girl she liked was also on the trip, and the pair either were arguing or inseparable. Despite the fact that I had been witness to their relationship for a whole five months before, there was something about being exposed to it 24/7 that made the whole thing insufferable. While everyone else was enjoying the beautiful sights of the French Alps while pissing around with quadrats, I was sat in the bunk bed alone and crying.

By the end of the week, I didn't know what I was crying for. It was like the fantasy that I had concocted in my head – a one in which I still had a chance with her – had finally shattered. I was seeing the situation as it truly was, and that was one in which I didn't get the happy ending.

They say your first love is always the hardest to let go, and I stand by that.

As we made the 22-hour coach journey home, I watched with teary eyes as the girl rested her head on Caitlin's shoulder as they watched a movie and whispered to each other. That should be me, I remember thinking as I couldn't draw my eyes away. It's like picking at a scab, it's a pain that feels good.

They made it official soon after that trip, and we all pretended to be surprised despite the fact that we had known all along. While I had been sad before, nothing would match the complete state of disorientation that I would get after this. When your dream dies, it's hard to know where to go next.

I distanced myself from her, making sure that I didn't let myself indulge in any of the things that would have made me momentarily happy before. I didn't let her hug me because I knew I would melt into her arms. I didn't spend time alone with her, instead focusing on my work. I didn't let us do things that I would perceive as too coupley.

She never really noticed this. She had her mind elsewhere.

And as I picked up the pieces of my heart from the ground where they had been left to rot, I knew I needed space. I knew that I needed time to figure out who I was without this crush.

That summer I barely spoke to her, and I saw her once alone. We picked up her photos from a shop and sifted through them, her showing me all her favourite ones. The love I felt for her was slowly waning like a candle, and I knew that with time I would be able to recover.

It felt odd to not feel so intensely all the time. To have time for myself. I was nowhere near figuring out how to be happy on my own but I was learning how to not be so dependent on the stories I would make in my own head. I was finally coming out of dreamland for good. Sometimes I credit this as the start of when I began to finally mature, sometimes I wish I had nurtured those dreams and continued to live in my head. Reality isn't nearly as fun.

***

It was in the first week of Year 13 that I did finally tell her. We went round to her house as a small group after school one day and sat out in her garden while messing about.

"I have no secrets," I remember saying and half the group erupted into laughter around me, Caitlin looking confused and oblivious to what was going on.

"Not even one?" my friend, Emma, pressed with a cocked eyebrow, "I'll give you £20 if you say it right now."

And so I did. Heart pumping I said the words "I've been in love with you for 6 months."

It would later be a line that would be quoted on a weekly basis, and probably one of the most iconic things I will ever say. But it was out. This secret that I had held so close to me, and that everyone else had also held, was released into the world for real. She looked shocked and asked for some explanation, in which we told the whole story in a jokey and jovial tone despite the depressing nature of the whole thing.

It was on this day that she told us for definite that her and the girl she liked were official. And when asked if she had ever liked me she said no with a small laugh.

To everyone around, the whole situation was a funny one. This secret we had all held finally being something that could be talked about, joked about even. But I just felt embarrassed. And stupid.

Stupid for liking someone who had never felt the same way at all. Stupid for ever allowing myself to waste 6 months of my life over someone who never batted an eyelid over it all.

She would joke about it a little in the weeks that followed until I got someone to tell her to stop. I didn't mind when the others laughed about it – they had also been the ones who had wiped the tears from my eyes and hugged me in the darkest parts of it. But when she laughed, I knew she didn't know how deep it had gone. How much time I had spent thinking about her, and how many hours I had spent crying about how she would never feel the same way I did. So her laughing felt like she was making fun of me.

I eventually moved on for real. It took months, and had no real beginning or end, but there came a point when I could be alone with her and her girlfriend doing coupley things like giving each other piggybacks and there would only be a small pang in my chest rather than a tsunami of emotions. I no longer needed to leave the room when they whispered to each other. I no longer cried every evening.

As cheesy as it sounds, I did grow stronger out of it. It was 6 months of my life that I wouldn't ask for back. That pain needed to be felt once so that every time after it hurt less, and the recovery time was quicker. Everyone needs a first love to sting so hard that the other pains that follow won't ever feel as bad.

Saturday 8th September 2018

THE DAY AFTER

I plunged myself in work today, I actually achieved so much it was unreal. Caitlin facetimed me today and I totally freaked out when I saw it but she started off just showing me some pics she got developed of the gang which was cute. We made awkward convo after and I'm 99.9% sure she wanted to talk about yesterday but I was so not ready to do that so we awkwardly talked. I still haven't quite absorbed what I did, it hasn't hit me yet. I had that a secret for like 7 months, went through hell and back but I never thought I would have the courage to do that. I am still humiliated by the fact that I thought she liked me before, like all these diary entries I made make me feel so embarrassed. It's just the knowledge and closure that I never had any chance with her is taking a lot to stomach. I don't know how to feel. I defo don't feel the same way about her now, but I can't explain how I feel. Stupid is probably the main feeling and no amount of people telling me not to feel stupid is going to change this. Everyone says I'm brave, I don't agree. But I did do something I didn't even know I would do at the time. I just feel so embarrassed now. Like we ended FaceTime so awkwardly and she said 'love you' and I just couldn't say it back because now I feel like it holds a new meaning/feeling. Imagine what it must feel like for someone to say that they've been in love with you. Probably very confusing. But yeah I just feel slightly stupid/embarrassed/humiliated. It is just the fact that she liked Bea this whole time. Life really fucks me over. I'm not sure how things will be on Monday if I'm honest. I can't even describe how shit I felt for so many of those months, honestly the pain I felt every time I saw them together. I feel like I need to cry, I just feel so unstable now. I think it is due to this point which I keep coming back to – I never had any chance. None at all. I mean for fuck's sake here's what I had written in the past about her.

-    'the idea that she's thinking about me, even for a second, makes me happy' (09.04.18)

-    'it's actually scary how much I like Caitlin' (03.05.18)

-    Ella