Eighteen years isn't long enough to fill a memoir, it's barely the start of a life. Hence why this is a 'manoir', a reflection on the way I view myself and the events that led to this. Accepting that you have a problem with your self image is the first step of changing that problem, and yet when it is so ingrained in yourself often old habits die hard.
As I danced with Goose last night, I told myself I wouldn't kiss him. In fact, I wouldn't really give him the time of day because I was having a girl's night. Instead of feeling empowered by decision, I spent most of my evening watching his two followers move ever closer to him as they danced and made him laugh.
I felt even more replaceable than before.
There is a sense of unfulfillment with my life that I know comes from seeing myself in this way. I will always be searching for the next kick of confidence that will wane away slowly and leave me feeling just as bad as before.
Sometimes I think the solution to all of this is just to run to a cave for six months and live by myself where I have no concept of the way that other people view me. But even the people in Plato's cave ended up discovering things from shadows.
The problem with being so young is you have to make every mistake imaginable in order to work out where the hell you want to be in life. And despite the fact that I feel like I've made every single one imaginable, I know there will always be more mistakes, more fuck-ups, and more strange events that will continue to shape me. I wouldn't say I'm excited for them, but I'm ready to stop living in my own head anymore.
Fantasyland may be great, but the real world can sometimes be more surprising and fantastical than anything I can imagine.
YOU ARE READING
Love Me: The Manoir
Non-FictionOur teenagers years are often described as blissful blips to be fawned after when we're old. But the reality is, these years are confusing. Baffling. Sometimes just downright strange. And so I documented my life. This isn't a memoir. It's a 'manoir...
