'just breathing

'isolate

I have a bad habit of isolating myself when my depression is bad
I cut off social interaction
You won't hear from me for days, weeks or even months
I won't speak to you because if I do,
I will be mean, rude and aggressive towards you

But this frustrates me;

Whenever someone else is feeling like shit,
I'll be there for you in a heartbeat
I cancel my plans to make sure you're okay
I will do everything I can to make you feel safe and alright
To get your pieces back together

But what I hear when I feel like that? 
'Why are you so grumpy?'
'Didn't you had your coffee this morning?'
'Come on, cheer up'
'Get over it'
'It feels like you don't care about me anymore'

And that breaks my heart and make me want to isolate even more
Especially if I have been through hell with you
And dealed with all of your shit
Been through thick and thin
Fucking especially, if you know that I have mental illnesses and more

It'll make me question myself;
'Am I not good enough?'
'Wasn't I there for them?'
'Should I have done something better?'
'Are they better off without me?'
'Didn't I try hard enough?'
'Didn't I put enough effort?'
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough and push you away even more.
It hurts me so damn much that I feel like I won't achieve anything in life and that I'm better off alone and dead

So please, if you are close to someone, you know this about them and they have a depressive episode, do not say that they are overreacting or push them to socialize.

";"

31'01'2019