Belladonna (Tom Holland)

Ten

I planned to stay at the motel for a week to get my life together before leaving the city. After all, I showed up in nothing but a dress made for the club, so everytime I walked out of the motel, I appeared as if I was coming from a one night stand. But gathering from those who rented rooms next to me, it would seem that most of us were coming from one night stands.

The night after Wonderland I took the money I collected out of where I stashed it and counted how much I had. I didn't think it'd be that much, but I was thoroughly surprised. I had about $500; enough to pay for a few outfits and the room for the week. Though I was still cautious about my surroundings, I decided I didn't want to wear the dress any more than I had to, so I walked to a bus stop and commuted to the nearest thrift store.

As I rode the bus, I recounted everything that happened, trying to logically think through my decisions rather than act on adrenaline. I almost kissed Tom Holland, the man who's wanted me dead for six years. I would've kissed him if it were not for Harrison, I had no intent of restraining myself. So what did it mean? Was I so caught up in the moment and in the atmosphere of the club that the kiss would have seemed so fitting? If I were dancing with Kieran instead, would I have kissed him as well?

Or did I truly feel for Tom? And that Wonderland was the ultimate way to express my feelings. We were dancing and not in a sexual way, but intimate. He didn't dare to lower his hands until he asked me. He waited for my permission; he was so careful and so tender. Dancing with him was dancing with a completely different person, and maybe I fell for that person. I fell for what he was capable of being than what he was. Every time he's talked to me out of concern or threatened me with a saying that doubled as an innuendo made me feel something that was forbidden. I felt horrible. For years I hated him for killing my father, but the second I found out it's not him, I think it's okay to have these feelings.

My father would have been ashamed of me. If he saw my thoughts and internal turmoil, he'd spit in my face and tell me to change my last name. I was having feelings for a Holland! An enemy of my father's! I had worked for him gleefully to tear down an organization my father also helped build. The Biancattis was not just Lorenzo and I had completely forgotten about. I saw my father as a martyr for so long that I didn't remember that he was a building block to the Biancatti's success. I should be loyal to the Biancattis because my father was loyal to the grave.

But I wasn't my father. I didn't grow up to be apart of the mafia. He raised me to have my own life, and make my own mistakes. Instead the mafia acted as a family and not "the" family. They didn't prance around and talk of crimes at the dinner table, instead they spoke to me. My father raised me to have no loyalty toward the mafia so I could live my life without my life being in jeopardy. I was allowed to love Tom if I wanted to because it was how I was supposed to live my life.

Even though I felt for him, I couldn't live the life. I couldn't be a part of his plot anymore. My father raised me to have my own live and I was hell bent on living it. Tom brought me back to the mafia life because he thought that was how I was hardwired. He didn't know that I was supposed to know nothing. He didn't know that wasn't what I wanted. He expected me to die pledging loyalty to Biancattis rather than pass some knowledge test he had while high off morphine. He didn't expect me to be resist but still work for him. He didn't expect my wavering emotions toward it because he believed I was made for the mafia rather than molded outside of it.

And maybe that's why he felt for me too. Maybe that's why he kept his eye on me for six years, rather than listen to his father. He wanted to know why I ran rather stay. Why I was put into the Program rather than be locked up in Lorenzo's mansion. He expected a linear treasure hunt and not a game of cat and mouse. I was interesting to him because he didn't know who I was. He didn't know if I was Freddy's daughter or just Bella. He didn't know if I was scared of him or apathetic. He didn't like the fact I didn't bend to his will and cater to his wishes, but subconsciously, he enjoyed it. He loved when I spoke back because no other person dared to except those close to him. He loved that though I claim no knowledge of the mafia I was raised in, I'm still able to retrieve what he wants. He loves the fact that I stopped fearing him, and that I saw him as a human, just the same as me. Tom didn't feel for me like I did for him, he felt for me because with me he wasn't seen just as a mobster, but as a person.