Smoke and Glory

•14•

We pull up into Nola's house and it seems nice It's got large bay windows that have basic grey curtains behind them as the front doors seems nice and freshly painted. She opens the door and we both walk in straight into the spacious living room where I put down the bag and watch as nola walks through a glass door and comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water and some biscuits. "Make your self at home I need to go the office in order to file some paperwork and just organise my desk and I'll be an hour at the most but yeah feel free to just chuck on the tv or eat something from the kitchen" she says as she walks out of the house and closes the door quite loudly with the bang reverberating around the room as I switch on the tv and just watch the news because there is nothing else good on the tv but soon I find myself bored and walk into the kitchen and open Nola's fridge and find not a lot of actual food expect like 3 random microwaveable ready meals that probably isn't the best idea to eat, and so using the few ingredients she actually has in the fridge I start doing some cooking. I use the tomato's and chop them up placing them into a pan and I start cooking pasta sauce, I use different ingredients and chop them up cooking the sauce before using another pan to start cooking pasta and when it's all ready I scoop it into 2 bowls one of which I leave in the fridge ready for when Nola gets home as I take the plate and go sit back in front of the tv with nothing new on the news. It tastes amazing I added the perfect amount of spice so much the little spiciness I like shines through it and the sauce tastes so much better when it's homemade and the pasta itself is cooked to exact right temperature so much so it's not to hard but also not to soft it tastes amazing and is so much better then most of the food of which I've had in the last 6 days. Soon nola arrives home and I hear as her car pulls up into the drive and she opens the door and walks in instantly spotting the plate of food I've left on the table, "you cooked?" She asked pointing to the empty bowl and I nod my head, "yeah check the fridge I made you a portion" I say and she smiles walking into her kitchen and I can hear as she turns on the microwave and heats up the meal so that it's not cold after being left in the fridge for the period of time of which it was. She walks back in holding the dish and smiling, "this smells amazing" she begins, talking a mouthful of pasta and sauce, "and tastes even better how do you cook like this?" She asks as she keeps shovelling it down as if she can't get enough of it and it must be one hell of a lot better compared to the microwaveable meals that stock her fridge. "I don't know I've always enjoyed cooking and that helped me become good at it" I say and I can't help but notice that nola seems a bit distracted not wanting to look me in the eyes or even look at me in general, I wonder why but I don't want to pry so I don't bother asking I assume it's something going on at work. She soon finishs the food and takes both mine and her plate into the kitchen, "hey bring your bag upstairs and we can go sit on my bed and chat" she says as I grab my bag and follow her up the stairs to where she leads me to a spare room with a nice bed and nice decorations such as large paintings and lavish throws, I place my bag down and follow nola into her room where we both sit on the fur bedcover and I can't help but notice, especially now that she is really distracted. "Hey what's going on your really distracted" I say to Nola, finally asking as I see her aimlessly staring out the window once again. "Sorry it's just that there is this thing going on at work, well, an officer was sexually assaulted by another officer and it's all a disaster because everyone's taking sides and not doing work and it's really not good, but sorry you were talking about something continue" she says and I look at her and I think about how someone would have said something about the sexual assault, which is good I suppose and then I ask a question but quickly debate wether or not revealing the truth upon asking it would be the right thing but it's to late to turn back now. "Have you ever been sexually assaulted?" I ask wanting to know and Nola shakes her head looking out the windows again before quickly looking at me, realising what I'm about to say before I even start saying it. "because I have" I say admitting something I've never actually said out loud before, "what? When? Where? How?" Nola asks instantly worried and shocked. I begin to tell the story after all that only seems fair and maybe telling someone will finally make the fear I feel regarding it go, "I originally lived in Pennsylvania with my brother and I worked there and I was a assistant medical examiner and there was this doctor and he was a high ranking medical examiner who really wanted to help me get a promotion and he gave me all the best tips, all the best bodies and all the best cases to help him with and when I made it to medical examiner he invited me out to dinner. And he grabbed my hips, pulled me in and he kissed me." I say on the Verge of tears as I look at Nola who's shocked and too almost crying, "and he said that he deserved it, it was a gift for my promotion, for my job, and I just ran out of the restaurant and went back to the office and filled my transfer paper for New York, I've never told anyone about it because I was worried that I wouldn't get another promotion, that I would never be the chief, I was scared as well of what he would do if he found out I reported him. So I kept it to myself, I've never told anyone before; but maybe I should have said something, because I know now that this stuff happens all the time, it happened to many women I know, it happened to my sister's, to Annie to some of my other friends. To many people including myself, but no one knew that I kept it to myself because I was afraid and I realise now that speaking up would have helped but I was afraid of losing everything I've worked my ass off for and I wanted this job I've wanted this job for years and I finally got it and I was afraid that mentioning meant that it was never going to happen and I was just didn't know what else to do but keep it a secret." I say and I start crying thinking about him, thinking about how sincere he was in what he said, and how I felt like my promotion wasn't real and I didn't actually deserve it, and the way I never saw him again because I couldn't face him knowing what he was cabale of, and I was so young. He was a dick. And I'm happy I never saw him again. But I should have said something, I should have spoken up and stoped him, maybe making it better for one woman in the world who could suffer the same way i did. "I'm sorry Lucy" Nola says as she looks at me. And I look at Nola and I find myself leaning in and I watch as she does the same and then we kiss, our lips touching one another, hers are warm as they brush against mine and I enjoy it until I realise what I'm actually doing and I start to pull away. I think Nola's noticed as well as she too pulls away. We sit there in a awkward silence, longing for one another, but looking at each other desperately and awkwardly trying to decide if what we did was right or wrong. And while I know it was wrong nothing ever felt so right and I believe she's come to the same conclusion as we start kissing more and more passionately our lips constantly brushing against once another's. Nola undoes the buttons on my shirt and slips it off while dragging her hand down my stomach while I rip off her jacket and T-shirt while continuing to kiss. I undo my trousers and slip them off as we roll up into the bed, rolling over one another as I drag my hand down her back and squeeze her bum. We continued to kiss as I pull up the cover. She wraps her arms around me as the sex gets more passionate as we continue to do it until we fall asleep, Nola's warm embrace reminding me that I'm not alone as we sleep arm in arm, faces next to one another and snuggled close together under the duvet.

In the morning I wake up to find the other side of the bed empty and myself in a bit of a haze over what happened last night, which was probably the best night of my life, but my god hope, how do I explain this one. I slip on one of Nola's T-shirt's not having anything but my white shirt in close proximity, and not wanting to wear that, I then walk downstairs and into Nola's kitchen where this time she is making coffee as she passes me a warm new cup while smiling upon noticing that I'm in her T-shirt. "Hey" she says as I take a sip of the warm coffee and feel the caffeine flow through me and sort of wakes me up out of my haze of delight. "Thanks" I say taking another sip as Nola sits down on the chair opposite me drinking her coffee to. "So about last night" we both say at the same time before we each start laughing before a layer of seriousness falls over us again, "what we did was wrong" Nola says and I nod my head in agreement, "then why did it feel so right?" I ask taking another sip of the warm coffee that feels miles away from this cold conversation. " I know, I know it felt right and I enjoyed it so much but Lucy your engaged." She says as we both glance at the diamond ring that rests on my finger as I once again fiddle with it, not sure whether or not I actually want it. "Yes I am engaged but...." I say and for a second I see a almost shimmer of hope in Nola's eyes as she looks almost happy that I said but, then at the same time Nola looks upset as if she feels as if she known what I'm going to say before I've even said it. "But what?" She asks as she moves closer to me, placing her hand on mine and covering the ring, almost as if she's trying to make It easier for me to say the things I'm afraid of saying out loud. "Well don't get me wrong I love Hope, she's amazing and beautiful and perfect in every way and I love her, but when we met we were both so different, I worked at the morgue for your normal time period 9-5 and I was never called to the crime scene, I was never on call every hour, I never slept in my office if I were to sleep deprived to drive and she was young and beautiful we both were young and totally in love with each other, but over the last 2 years I've been chief as have drifted apart and I feel as if I'm holding her back we've made so many plans for so many different things and then I'm always called to a scene or to the morgue and she's missed out on all of these things becter of me and she cats as if she's okay with it but i can see how it hurts her, how angry it makes her. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I want to do it. I have to let her go, let her live her life in her own way with someone who can deliver on all the promises I've made. Someone who can protect her the way i can't. I have to allow her to go free to see the world because I love her but in a selfish way I love my job more." I say a few years falling down my face as I think about it but I wipe them away knowing that everything I'm saying yes that's true, I know what I'm saying is true, and I look at the diamond ring on my finger before I look again at nola. "I'm going to go get dressed I need to get to the morgue I have like 5 autopsy's to do." I say as I leave Nola in the kitchen and head upstairs into Nola's room where the bed sheets are on the floor and I just ignore it and pick up my own clothes and I get dressed into my normal pantisuit, redoing up my shirt and placing my blazer over the top and doing up my trousers before I return downstairs and go put on my shoes right next to Nola's door ready to head out to go to the morgue. Then Nola comes running through the corridor, her phone in her hand, a expression of panic on her face. "Sargent Santingo just called, they found captain Leo stick dead"