Smoke and Glory

•15•

We arrive at the scene, another body, another dead body laying in the streets, this one, like the others Belonging to a high ranking police officer. I stare down at it, this one more bloody, the body more broken then those that became before it. The killer is starting to feel glorified, the way the press covers the cases is causing the killer to go more out there, to attract more attention and become more of a celebrity, I guess in some weird twisted way. I see Nola standing a few passes behind me talking to the shocked man who found the body, laying in one of the disgusting and smelly rubbish dumps in all of New York City, I can stop thinking about what happened last night, about  the moments when we were kissing, in bed together and fucking one another. I try to get it out of my head it still sits there playing like a silent movie in my head on constant repeat that doesn't want to go away despite my desperate efforts to fill my head up with blood, brains and dead people and I get back to doing the initial examination of the body that lays in the stone cold floor in front of me.

The autopsy is finished, 3 shot wounds to the stomach and the usual one to the head, But a lot of beating around the face and legs and stomach as if the victim was trying to protect himself as the killer ruthlessly attacked him. I  stare down at the calling card, marking victim number 5 which according to the call the killer declared on me a week ago should have been me. Which begs the question why am I alive? Why tell me that he will kill me and then not go through with it? It doesn't make any sense but never the less I'm happy that I'm still alive. But my thoughts right now aren't focused on the killings or the reasons why I'm still alive but they are focused on nola and  hope. I had a one night stand with nola and I don't regret it, I loved it and I love her but hope doesn't deserve this and I guess I have to decide now wether to be honest or wether to just go on as normal but I don't think I could. Hope shouldn't have to marry me knowing that I am not 100% committed and have made out with another woman but breaking up with her is not something I can really properly consider despite my talk with nola this morning when I made myself sound clear and as if I'm ready to do it but inside I'm terrified. But she doesn't deserve this, she deserves someone who loves her as much as I did the first moment I met her, before all of this occurred and before I met nola: who I now can't help but be in love with. "Hello Lucy... hello... earth to Lucy" Nola says as she stands taking to me having said a bunch of things of which I don't remember even hearing my head in the clouds with my struggling situation. "What? Yes, yes I think that's a good idea" I say pretending like I've understood what she has said and acting as if I'm sure of whatever it, "so you think it's a good idea to put 10 dead bodies in bowling pin costumes, standing them up and then throw tables at them like we are playing bowling?" She says in complete sensenity and I stare at her very confused and it doesn't actually occur to me that she's realised I've had no clue what she's said, "what no that's a awful idea and I'm pretty sure it's illegal, I didn't actually know what you said I'm sorry I'm just real distracted" I say laughing a bit at imagining what she just said, "when are you going to do it?" She asks waking around the autopsy table and placing her hand on mine, "I'm going round there now" I say and Nola looks at me, I can tell that she feels like she is to blame and I need her to know that's she's not, "are you sure you want to do this" nola asks as she looks at me in a sort of pleading way, "yes I have to, and I want you to know you're not to blame, I explained it this morning, you're just one of the hundred things that fits into the decision I've made" I say and Nola nods her head, acting as if she agrees but the look in her eyes tell me other wise but I try to ignore it as we both leave the autopsy suite, hand in hand still not wanting to ever let go but doing so as we each climb into separate cars and drive off in separate directions. I pull up outside my house and find my hands shaking uncontrollably as I try to find the right key, I drop them on the floor and lean over to pick them up, nearly losing my balance as my whole body begins to shake again with the anticipation and fear that builds up within me. I open the door, slowly but surely trying to focus my mind and tell myself that this is the right thing to do, "hope" I say and she comes walking down the stairs and we meet in the living room, I then lead her into the kitchen where just earlier she had messaged me, apologising for the way she acted and that she was going to wait at my home for me to get back, "hey Lucy" she says as she hugs me and tries to kiss me but I find myself backing away, having flashbacks to me and Nola kissing in her bedrooM, "I need to talk to you" I say not sure how else to do this as I pull up a seat and sit in before removing the ring from my finger and placing it on the table, "we need to break up" I say barley able to mutter our the words. "Wh.... wh... what why?" She asks confused and alarmed unsure of what I just said and not wanting to believe it. "Look hope I love you, I love you so much and I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving you but we have completely changed, when we met I worked simple hours, I was never called to crime scenes, never available ever hour of the day but now that I'm chief medical examiner I'm needed every time a body drops mysteriously, and you, your company is taking off worldwide now, you're barley around. Look I loved you when we met but we've drifted apart and well a few nights ago I... well I slept with detective griffin and look I'm sorry but there's nothing between us anymore, I love you but I just don't think we can be together anymore." I say putting it straight despite the pain is caused it on the inside. I don't want to do this, I don't want to hurt her but what else can I really do right now, I fucked up, I slept with Nola and that is just one of the hundred reasons why we can't be together anymore. "I'm sorry" hope says as I look up from the hard wooden floors that stares back at me as I look into her bloodshot hazel eyes the tears in them clear, the same as mine. "What for?" I ask wondering what she has to be sorry for, after all I'm the one who messed up, I'm the one who had the one night stand and now I'm the one calling off the engagement. "That I ever loved you" she replies her words are like a knife stabbing me as I taste the blood in my mouth and in total shock watch as she picks up the ring and walks out the room and I listen and hear the door slam heavily as Hope walks out of my life and her showcase of anger and sadness comes to an end. Her words still bitter in my mouth, still stinging like blood fresh on the palette as I suddenly realise everything I've lost and I start crying, the tears falling like a waterfall as I drop off the chair and onto the floor as the pure shock and loneliness crawls over me: engulfing me. I still have Nola and I know I do but everything's in this weird stage of complicated after the one night stand but yet I can't help but be desperate to do it again. The tears are still streaming down my face as I think through everything, all the moments that me and hope have shared, all the great memories I shall forever hold on to and all that genuine love that we shared that I threw away the moment I decided to sacrifice it for the love I feel for Nola and the love I'm hoping she feels towards me. I hear my home phone go off and I wipe away the tears as I get off the floor to pick it up, I breath for a second trying to calm my nerves I pick up the phone, "hello?" I say: no answer, "hello this is Lucy" I say again, not sure if whoever is calling was looking for hope or for me, well hope won't be back here for the rest of our lives so pretty pointless to call me. "Doctor snow" the voice says, so yes it is for me, "yes that's me I'm Doctor snow who are you?" I ask, I don't recognise the voice really but my phone is so old most voices sound the same, "I hope your ready.... Nola as you call her is next." The voice says and my mout drops open in shock, the tone sends a shiver down my spine as I try to add up what the kill just said. Nola. Nola's next. I have to save her. I have to go find her where will she be at the station? I think that's where she'll be. I ring the station, "hello?" A woman's voice says on the other side of the phone, "hi there this is chief medical examiner Doctor Lucy snow I was hoping to be able to talk to detective Nola griffin is she around?" I ask trying to make it sound like a professional matter as I try my hardest to keep my nerves at bay, "I'm sorry she's not here currently I suggest you try her home" she replies, "okay thank you" I say hanging up the pointless call. I ring Nola but am greeted by her voice mail which makes me more nervous, what if the killer has already gotten to her? I grab my coat and I grab the gun that lays in one of my shoeboxes in a cupboard by the door and I run out, fumbling with my car keys as I try to open the door and I clamber in and drive off to go and find Nola; and to save her life.