Melting the Ice

Chapter 10

"You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'" - Maya Angelou

×××

Tom

'I just did that.'

Tom scoffed at himself, sliding down the back of his bedroom door.

This was all so confusing. First he brings Tord into his home. His trashed apartment that he already hates; and then he turns around and almost admits some kind of foul feeling he hasn't even really understood himself.

It wasn't this hard back when...well-

"Whatever!" Tom shook himself  from his internal monolouge, kicking the frame of his bed, then wincing in pain.

Sure, Tord and him were friends. They WERE friends. Tord taught him some Norwegian and they would tell jokes right in front of Matt and Edd who were so clueless at the time and...
and...

Tom's eyes filled with tears. He missed it so much. The shenanigans, the playful taunting and the kind gestures. The ones he knew only he got from Tord.

'It didn't have to change!' Tom's thoughts were screaming at Tord, hoping silently that his thoughts could sway the husk of a man who he still couldn't hate.

Tom's cries softened, to small quiet ones. They testified to himself his own sadness. He wanted a change. Change was easy. It was an action. But how could anything change the situation he's in now?

Slump

Then, a soft knock.

Silence.

...
...

"I-"
..

Tord's voice was small and rough. He had slid his back on the other side of the door, and both had been sitting in silence for awhile.

"I...Don't.." Tord slightly tilted his head back, bumping it into the door, sighing. "I just meant..earlier. That I don't get why you're being nice to me.

...

Tom. I wanted to say for so long..
-I just wish I wouldn't have done what I did.."

For awhile, Tord wasn't sure Tom was ever going to answer. Silence grew and grew, filling the house with discomfort.

"I wish you hadn't either."

×××
  
12:00 am

Tom awoke with an uncomfortable feeling in his back and when he opened his eyes he was immediatly disoriented.
'My bed?'
..
'Oh..the door..'
Tom leaned back against the door, cheek pressed to the cold wood.
'I wonder if Tord fell asleep there too?'

"Tord?"
...
Tom slid all the way to the floor and looked at his ceiling. "How did this happen to us Tord?" When silence met him he decided, that talking out loud to a Tord who was asleep or not there might give him a chance to say things he wouldn't be able to say. Or maybe he was hoping it would help him clear some things up internally, 'like when you read an essay out loud and find a simple mistake,' a weak grin flitted onto his face for a short moment at the thought.

"I used to like you, y'know.." Tom smiled, "You were such a dork! You talked about hunting, and the structure of guns! For christs sake..I remember not understanding a goddamn word you were saying.."

..

"But you got real distant. We were so close red.. I mean- we literally held hands for awhile! We had nicknames-! I think the past is really conflicting my thoughts of you now. I mean...is that Tord even still in there? You...you ruined a lot of things; and hurt a lot of people. You did it for yourself with no second thoughts..

..

..

But seeing you on the ground the other day, I just couldn't leave you there. You fucked up my arm and destroyed our house and.. Edd... He was so distraught. I don't know if he can ever even think about you again.

I just want to forgive and forget but I don't know if I can. I want to..

Goddamnit..

I don't know Tord.

I was in love with you.

Now I can't understand you. I don't really know if you are you. I'm confused and I need time and you haven't even heard a fucking word of this!"

Tom clenched his fists and furrowed his brows. His emotional pain was deep, a physical pain that sunk into his heart, he groaned and unfurled his fists, letting out a weak noise from deep in his chest.

"Tom?" Tord's voice sounded concerned through the door.

Fuck