Melting the Ice

Chapter 11

“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.” ― Criss Jami, Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile

×××

"Tord?" Tom's voice cracked, and as he slowly got up to open the door, mortified;

It opened, and there sat Tord. The look on his face spoke miles, and it wasn't hard to tell that he had heard everything. Tom looked down, searching for something, anything to say.

"It's ok. You don't have to talk about it. Just.." Tord looked away for a second, and when he looked back at Tom he enveloped him in a hug. "You deserved better," Tord put his hand on the back of Toms head, pulling him in tighter. "You shouldn't have picked me. I'm bad, I'm a bad person. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

And they sat like that. Just for a little while, two broken men just crying.

×××

A few mornings later

"Hey, Tord...?"  Tom lightly knocks on the bathroom door. "You've been in there all morning."

"Yea, its something really important. You'll like it." Tord's voice sounded less meek, it might've even been laced with a little confidence.

Tom opted for silence. It was still hard to be around Tord. Despite the obvious changes he is going through.

Tom is well aware of whats changed, the bad and the good.

The biggest change Tom has noticed was that it was like all of the snarky-power driven jokes, that hurt people feelings right where they were hurting most--well it was gone. He paid attention; the stance, the walk the look- the voice. It was all gone.

It isn't that Tord is just suddenly his college boy self, but some of his real personality is coming out. It was nice.

Suddenly-

"So, do you like it?"

....

Tom was expecting something weird but...

Tord stood in the doorway, his long hair had been chopped off. Shaved at the sides and the back. Only the long sideburns stayed. Well those and the pokey horn hair, that was trimmed very short.

It was a proper haircut (aside from the sideburns which Tom guesses he couldn't part with)

"That's...wow"

××××××××

It had been months now, all the same as the first one, just smoother.

Except one thing, both men knew it. They were getting to comfortable with eachother. Smiling, almost like the stomach turning thing hadn't happened. Tom's house being a seperate plane where forgiveness works as long as the one you've forgiven is a secret in your house.

They had talked about it, thought about what it would be like if Tord talked to Edd and Matt.
.
.
...
"Edd is still not the same to this day Tord. You can't expect him to ever like you again. I'm a special case I think." Tom's head was resting on his hand, he was looking outside to the crash site that was basically cleaned up now.

"What about Matt?"
....

"He's changed. He did some more schooling, after the incident. He needed a distraction. And.." Tom's mouth frowned and he looked at Tord. "He just thought if he had been smarter, more attentive, y'know.." --

--"He's not the same silly guy."

××××××

More weeks passed and the more they passed the more tension that accumulated between the two.

Tom struggled trying to convince himself hes allowed to like Tord again. He was trying to not be disgusted with himself. Of course forgiveness is allowed, its okay, its right! I have no reason to be upset with myself.

Still, Tom couldn't help the feeling that pooled in his stomach. He was lying to Edd and Matt. He was protecting somebody who ruined a lot of good things. He wanted to let himself like Tord he really did.

Tord was struggling just as well, he knew all of the things he did, he was very aware of the position he was in. Still, every time he felt confidence his heart spiked in adrenaline, he suddenly felt the trauma of loosing all of his friends, and of almost dying.  He re-lived his crash. He would become nauseated, sick with himself.

He liked Tom, but couldn't let himself even look at him that way, he had come to the conclusion he wasn't really allowed to have things. He hasn't completely accepted forgiveness. He won't ask for anything. But he does take formalities in things like using the bathroom and even leaving the table after a meal.

Tord doesn't feel he should be allowed anything humane, especially not the company of Tom, who was having his own turmoil because of him too.

But, while Tord wasn't ever going to take a step toward Tom without permission, Tom needed to do something. He need to do it, and he knew the outcome may effect how the next few days unfold.

××

Tom finally stopped looking at his hands, he's made a decision, but he hasn't been able to step one foot in the direction of it, until finally it became apparent, he had to do this eventually.

Tom left his room and quietly walked toward Tord, suddenly, he cupped both hands on Tord's cheeks, letting his hands fall onto Tord's shoulders.

Of course, Tord was worried.

"Whatever I did I'm sorry, I must've done some thing again..." His eyes where wide, reliving the terror of his friends leaving him again.

Tom was silent, and he finally looked Tord in the eyes. Tom acknowledged fully that this Tord is the same Tord who betrayed and hurt him. This is the same Tord that was going to apologetically blow his friends to smithereens. Including Tom.

He's also the same Tord that used to spend hours teaching Norwegian to somebody who wasn't learning a bit of what he was trying to teach, and the same Tord who used to actually laugh and make jokes.

He is human. He makes mistakes.

His grip tightened on Tord's shoulders. "Tord I have to do this, I need to make myself fully understand what I'm asking me to do." Tom was confused and his face scrunched. Then, he started to lean in, before Tord had any idea what was unfolding, Tom had tentively pressed his lips against Tord's. Tord, pushed Tom away first, but Tom was going to do the same thing.

Both looked at eachother.

"Oh god, I'm not sure I like the answer." Tom suddenly felt like he was going to throw up, and thats exactly what he did.

"T-Tom..?" Tord was wide eyed, his pupils dialated, as he watched the person he just got kissed by vomit and wretch.

"I think I might've gotten an answer too."