i can't exist like i want to. i forget. a lot. that life is linear. but i am not. that i don't feel in relays. one separate state of mind after the other, each finishing with loose ends tied, no relapses. instead i fall off a precipice towards great change: i plummet. afraid. alive. escaping? only to find the new ground falling quickly away. bungee chord around my waist. i'm anchored to myself. id like to resow, remake, but all i do is bring back new flowers and snakes to the same garden. i don't know if i'll ever learn how to leave parts of myself behind. become new. or if i will just go on, collecting fears and selves, a thousand minds crammed in one skull, a thousand hearts clamoring to control them. it is hard to breathe like this. to feel like this. too much inside one body. feels like nothing but a lot of emptiness.
