Destructive Healing (Part 2)

Chapter Six

Harlen's POV

The hot water burned my skin, but I relished in it. My hands finally stopped shaking and I finally felt like I was beginning to regain control of my body. It still twitched and shook, but it was less severe. If I concentrated really hard, I could get it to stop.

The craving for the heroin was almost impossible to withstand, but they were right. How had I sunk so low? Heroin? I couldn't even believe it myself. It was like a dream and I was finally waking up. I pushed my own mind to it's breaking point just because I couldn't handle the truth; I had been through something terrible, but I survived and, eventually, I would be okay. Maybe not today or next week or even next month, but eventually, I would be.

I shampooed my hair and then let the conditioner soak. There was no way I would be able to brush my hair out without an extensive amount of time with conditioner in it. While it soaked, I grabbed his lufa and put more soap on it than necessary and scrubbed as hard as I could. I couldn't believe how terrible my body looked now. How had I allowed this to happen. My skin was gray, I could see my bones, not to mention the track marks on either arm. I wondered if those would ever heal.

When I scrubbed the grime off and rinsed, I sand down to my neck into the scalding water and closed my eyes. I was safe. I had to remind myself of that. I was safe. I was safe.

My heart started slamming as the panic picked up and I sat straight up, my eyes snapping to the open door as the water sloshed around and onto the floor.

He stepped into the doorway, concern in his eyes. "Harlen?"

I swallowed hard and shook my head, my hands shaking again. "S-sorry. Th-the bathroom." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I'm st-still struggling." The only way to get through this was to be truthful. Something I should have done a long time ago.

His eyes traced the doorway before he stepped inside and held out his hands. "You're safe," he assured me, walking over and sitting down on the toilet.

I stared at the open doorway, seeing Jane sitting on the couch, smiling. She waved at me before turning back to the tv.

I felt the tears burn my eyes as I continued to stare at the doorway. "I-I never t-told you," I whispered, too afraid to blink. "I hid alcohol in h-here to help-p."

He nodded, clasping his hands together. "I found it," he replied quietly. "I would have stayed in here with you," he told me as I stared at the door. "Until you were okay."

I sucked in my lips and nodded. "I w-wanted to b-be okay."

"It's okay to not be okay," he told me and it wasn't for the first time.

My eyes lifted to his as I tried to force my hands to stop shaking. "St-stay?"

He nodded and leaned back against the back of the toilet. "Of course, baby."

I looked at the doorway one last time before sinking back down into the tub. I felt the tears burn my eyes as I stared across the tub to the wall on the other side. It was clean and it smelled clean and there was no blood. I was safe. I was safe. I was safe.

"My dearest Harlen," I heard him start to say, his voice low and warm and comforting.

It had been so long since I've heard that, my heart broke. I needed this. I needed him. I looked over to see that he had opened up the black book and had started reading. I turned back and forced myself to close my eyes. I had to be okay. I was safe. I was safe. I was safe.

"I brought you home from the hospital today. As much as your father had wanted to take you home, you requested coming with me and I found joy in that. You haven't spoken much, your eyes look so dark and distant and I pray that I see that light I loved so much, but I know it's going to be a while before I see it again and that's okay, sweetheart, you are strong. We can do this.