Destructive Healing (Part 2)

Chapter Eight

Harlen's POV

"Dear Harlen, it is 2:08 am on a Tuesday in May. You slept walked today. It wasn't the first time, but it confirmed my growing suspicion that you aren't okay. You tried to kill yourself today. I don't think you meant to do it, but I almost didn't wake up in time and that scared the shit out of me. You picked up my straight razor and tried to cut your throat. Now, I don't know if you were actually going to go through with it, but the look in your eyes, it will haunt me forever. It was as if you felt you had nothing left. You were screaming and crying and your hazel eyes were filled with such brokenness. Baby, you must still remember of how much I love you, right? Maybe you don't. You're acting so strange, like you're barely there, just a ghost. I see you smiling, but the light is gone and I am terrified that it will never return. I am so tired. I haven't slept in a long time and after this morning, I don't think I'll sleep again. It's not your fault, sweetheart, that I am getting frustrated and irritable. I am so sorry that it's coming to this, but I promise that I still love you and I promise that I will take care of you for as long as forever. I love you. I love you. I love you. Elijah."

Tears filled my eyes as I set the book down. The page was crumpled from tears that he shed and now I was adding to it. I can't believe I had driven him to this, to getting frustrated at me for my issues. If I had just been truthful, he wouldn't have gotten to that point. I should have just told him that I was taking his pills. That I had alcohol hidden in the bathroom. That I was afraid to death to shower. I should have been truthful.

I stared at my phone for a long time, the tears slowly drying up. I wanted to call him so badly. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, that this was my fault and I handled things wrong, but Jane wanted me to stay back, to hold off and wait until I knew for sure I was ready to go back to him. This was a process, I had to let it do its thing.

I sniffed and opened the book back up.

"My love, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last three days and I've realized something; we don't have a song! I tried to bring it up to you, but you didn't seem interested. I know that if you were in your right state of mind, you would be all over the idea, so I took it upon myself to make us a playlist! It's on Spotify under Elijah and Harlen. I'll probably never have it finished and I bet I'll still be adding songs long after we're old and gray, but one day I will show it to you. It will be filled with songs that remind me of you, remind me of us, songs I think you need to hear and good dancing songs. Yes, I understand how old school a mix tape is, but they should really bring them back. Nothing hits a soul right where it needs to be hit like a playlist the love of your life made specifically for you. I love you and I hope, when I do tell you about it, you like it. I know you'll probably punch me playfully and laugh before telling me how much you love me and then we will turn it on full blast and hang out in my apartment. Baby, I can't wait for that day. I hope you love it."

I immediately grabbed my phone and set the book to the side as I pulled up my Spotify account. I searched for it and gasped when I found it. 2 hours and 5 minutes and counting. My heart slammed as I hit play.

From that moment forward, I listened to that when I ran and washed dishes and read and did laundry. I listened to it when I slept and when I cooked. Nobody had ever made a playlist for me and every song on it made sense. Every song on the list hit me right in the heart. It told me how much he loved me and how worried he was. It told me how he would never leave me and how we were meant to be and when I saw a new song added, I listened to it on repeat for hours. He was still adding songs.

A week later, I called Jane. It has been a month since we broke up and I was killing myself trying not to call him.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I just...I can't...I want to talk to him," I said hurriedly as I paced my apartment, my hands shaking. "I want to talk to him. I want to apologize for everything, I want to hear his voice, I want to see him."