Kenny dropped April off and left, going who knows where. He never really talked about what he did when they weren't together. She assumed he worked out and did Kenny like things such as, ironing his sheets or giving himself a manicure. She realized as she walked to her building that when she thought of what Kenny did when he wasn't with her she never thought about him dating. Not that she would care. It just never came to mind. She tried to imagine Kenny on a date and laughed out loud. It had taken her so long to get used to his eccentricities and his somewhat controlling nature. Though he seemed to have calmed down quite a bit, he was still Kenny.
April shook her head clear of thoughts of Kenny and rushed into her building and out of the mid-summer humidity. She couldn't wait to relax in the cool air conditioning of her apartment, sipping ice water out of her super hero cup and listening to her favorite smooth jazz station on the radio. However, as soon as she opened the door to the building she wished she hadn't. Jae stood at the elevator, alone, shockingly. No high heeled hussy at his side.
Somehow their meeting at the movie theater had hit the reset button on her discomfort around him and she looked for a way to escape but there was none. With nowhere to flee, she stomped defiantly towards him and stood three feet behind him, on the other side of the hallway, looking everywhere but in his direction. She wished she could end their stalemate. She wished she could talk to him but every time she thought she might be able to her nerves took over. Even when they were at the movie theater she had been afraid to engage in any conversation, tripping over herself to get away from him. She just wanted to get away.
"Did you enjoy the movie?" Jae asked suddenly without turning around.
April didn't answer as she wasn't sure he was talking to her until he turned his head to the side, still not making eye contact.
"April, did you enjoy the movie?"
It was the best thing EVER!
"It was ok," she replied, coolly.
Finally, the elevator doors opened and Jae stepped inside. He turned to her and held the door open with his hand. She would have been happy to wait for him to ride up alone but she knew he would have stood there all night waiting for her to board with him. I'm really going to have to start taking the stairs, she thought to herself as she stepped through the doors.
April stared at her shoes as the elevator slowly crawled to the third floor. She couldn't remember it ever going so slow. Finally, the doors opened and April nonchalantly rushed out ahead of Jae and around the corner to her apartment. She hoped to be inside before he made his way to her but she fumbled with her keys so long that by the time she turned the knob he was behind her.
"It was nice seeing you," he said.
April spun around a wave of sudden emotion burning inside her.
"It was nice seeing me? Jae, you've seen me hundreds of times in the past eight months. You've spoken not a word to me, so why tonight? Why not walk past me the way you always do? Is it because you were on a date with HaJoon?"
"April, we weren't on a date, ok. I didn't want to go to the movies by myself so HaJoon offered to go with me. When she saw you, I don't know, I guess she thought it would help me if she acted that way. I'm not at all romantically interested in her."
"Help you how, by trying to make me jealous?"
"Were you jealous?" Jae asked, somewhat hopefully.
Why did he have to ask her that? Of course she was jealous. HaJoon was gorgeous and thin and confident. Seeing her by Jae's side made her feel more inadequate than she usually felt. She was spending time with him when April couldn't, going out with him when April never had. Jealous was an understatement. She thought Jae had replaced her and it broke her heart.
"Yes, I was jealous. Ok? I hated seeing you with her. I know I have no right to be jealous or angry or anything towards you, but I was. Why did you even say anything? Why not just let me think it was a date?"
Jae looked around as if the answer to her question as written somewhere on the walls. Finally his gaze settled back on her.
"I don't want you to think that I was with a woman."
"Why does it matter if I think that?"
"I just don't want you to."
With that, Jae walked away. His shoulders slumped, head down. April was slightly stunned by his admission and by his willingness to tell her how he was feeling. After eight long months of silence, a silence that he initiated, he must have been tired of holding in words that so desperately needed to be said. Had he been waiting for her to make the first move? She couldn't imagine Jae, the man who had pushed her up against the wall, being afraid to tell her how he was feeling. She had assumed that the anger of finding her in Kenny's arms was what kept him from coming back to her but perhaps he had been more hurt than angry. He hadn't told her that confessing his love was a mistake because he didn't love her but because he did and he didn't want to be hurt by her more than he already had been. He had no idea that she would never intentionally hurt him.
April sat on the edge of her bed for what felt like an hour that night, just thinking. She thought back to a year ago and how different her life had been then. At the time she was still working on getting over Kenny. Jae was just the guy yelling into his phone in the hall, who shyly smiled at her in passing. She had forgotten how he smiled at her before they met. It was so slight that it was nearly undetectable, but it was there. He had been instructed by their friend to fall in love with her and he didn't even know who she was. Not until the night they met. The night that made her believe in love again.
She had never dared admit it to herself because it was so crazy, but she had fallen in love with Jae. In the few short hours they spent together she knew. His magnetism, charm, sadness. All of who he was fit so perfectly into the emptiness in her heart. It was there that she wanted him to live, safe from the pain of his life, the trauma of his past. Luckily, the connection between them was deep but it was also brief and though the pain April felt when it ended was significant, she hadn't loved him long enough to mourn as she had for Kenny. She also couldn't feel the same way about Jae leaving her though, because it was more than partially her fault that he was out of her life.
April glanced at the clock on her nightstand. It was already 11:25. The slow summer sun seemed to have just dipped below the horizon but it had actually been hours since its last ray streaked across the sky. Finally laying down, she covered herself to her chin and stared out the window. Below her, the city was still alive and bustling. She lived a few blocks from any main road but the ambient sound soared through the musty summer air and into her window. She smiled, happy for everyone who had someone to be out with, someone to hold their hand as they crossed the street, someone to pull a chair out for them at a restaurant. She wondered how many first dates were being had as she lay staring at the stars. How many relationships were being forged or how many were ending. How many people were meeting the loves of their lives or loves that wouldn't even last the night. She thought about Jae, laying alone in his bed, surrounded by vestiges of his childhood. She wondered if he was lonely or if his life even allowed for loneliness. She remembered how tightly he held her after they had made love, how he seemed so determined not to lose her. Many nights since she longed to feel his arms around her again, this night was no exception. Was he awake? Was he also watching the sky, thinking of her? Just stop, she said to herself. Please stop. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, falling asleep before her tears reached the pillow.
YOU ARE READING
April's Heart
Romance#1 in #interracialcouple for over a month. This is an AMBW series. April is getting over her breakup with Kenny when she meets Jae, a handsome man who lives in her building.
