Burnout ⊗ Jeongchan

③ Instead

"I apologize for calling this meeting last minute on a Friday, but I want to address the approved plan for spending our collected funds. If you would please take a packet..."

The high school's student council sat around two large tables pushed together in the empty school library. There were ten of them listening to their president, all positions there and accounted for, all clumped around the small space they were provided with such short notice. At the head, their president, was Jeongin reading off the issues. The librarian watched them through her thin framed glasses from behind her large desk, acting as their volunteer supervisor as she slowly nibbled away on the lunch she wasn't able to eat.

Once he finished summarizing the essential notes, he flipped the last page in the packet over and placed it on the table with a firm, "Are there any questions about the budget and what we plan to do with our remaining funds?"

"Do you think it's possible, if we have anything left over from the plan of course, to spend a little on fixing the broken lockers?" The vice president inquired. They quickly flipped through their written notes from previous meetings, asserting, "We had discussed it a while ago."

"Yes, I remember," Jeongin frowned, "As most of this was approved by the administration before I could have a say in it, we need permission from the staff to add that in."

"What will it take?"

"A little bit of paperwork. I can get it done over the weekend if they're willing to cooperate," Jeongin declared. Feeling a sudden air of determination, he started to flip through the packet of papers one more time, scanning over the words as the pages flipped by. He bit his lip and hummed, "As a general question, is it a unanimous agreement that the broken lockers on floor two need to get fixed before next year?"

The council gave him a sure nod, confirming what he had asked them. He flipped the seriousness in his face to his classic grin, "If the staff allow us, I'll work with the treasurer and see how we can squeeze the locker repairs into the schedule."

"Meeting adjourned."

⊕⊕⊕

Jeongin opened the door to his house, bouncing over the threshold and toeing his shoes off his feet. Quiet chatting came from the living room. With a bit of curiosity he chased after the voices as he stumbled through the entrance way, seeing his mother with an older woman he had never seen before. Her hair was grayed and her wrinkled eyes filled with a fond look as she stared up at his mother, shaky hands wrapped around a glass cup. Before he could hear too many words about the topic of their conversation, the two women cut their talking as soon as they caught notice of him poking his head into the living room.

The older woman turned her head to Jeongin when he peeked into the living room, a faint smile growing on her face as she saw him. She stood up from her seat and introduced herself with the gentle smile, "Hello darling, you must be the one your mother has been speaking so fondly about. I'm your new neighbor, across the street."

Upon hearing this, he returned her smile with his classic bright grin. A pride swelled in his body as he bowed to her.

"Hel-"

His mother swiftly cut him off before he could introduce himself properly, "No, this is my younger son, Jeongin. I was telling you about his older brother."

Jeongin felt a pang in his chest. His face fell.

The neighbor slowly sunk back down to the armchair. She shifted in her seat, her smiling appearing more strained as she glanced from Jeongin to his Mother. After a long pause she nodded, "I see."

"Jeongin is top of his class just like his brother. I wish you could have met him instead, he was back here just the other day it's a same you missed him," His mother trailed off the end of her sentence, her eyes drifting away from his son and down to the woman. She waved her hand in his direction as if she was dismissing him from the room, from their line of sight, "We hope that Jeongin follows after and gets accepted into a top university too."

The older woman grew interested in his mother again, ignoring the sullen figure in the doorway, "Where does your older son attend? I have a granddaughter at the university here in the city, oh, what was it called...?"

He stood at the edge of the room quietly as his mother continued to brag about the achievements his brother had accomplished, pegging him as the pride of the family. Out of respect for the woman and his mother Jeongin listened, but after a while their words were drowned out by the fuzziness in his head.

"Like him."

"Instead."

"Follow."

"Better."

Jeongin kept his head down as he silently left their conversation, an aching growing in his chest and a throbbing in his throat as he shuffled lifelessly up the stairs. The bounce from earlier seemed to be drained from his trudging steps. At the top of the stairs he slumped against the wall, barely staying up as he relied on it for support to continue his journey down the hallway. When he reached the safety of his room he shut the door behind him. It slammed, he knew he would be scolded for it, but somehow he didn't care. Jeongin violently ripped the straps to his book bag off of his shoulders and slung it around, tossing it somewhere across the room so he wouldn't have to touch the shackles that binded him.

With a lifeless huff, Jeongin deflated against the door and slid down the surface, thudding harshly on the floor. He covered his ears and shut the world out, getting lost in the dangerous waters of his own mind.

Jeongin thought for a long time. He knew deep down that it was pointless to say anything when his mother was in that frame of mind. He had tried before but she would make something up to justify herself, spouting excuses as to why she always mentioned his brother, why she would never mention only Jeongin, why she thought that his brother was perfect. The only thought in his mind was that he wasn't good enough. He wasn't worth the time he spent for the extra days. He wasn't worth the effort. Jeongin knew he was worth less then a penny stuck in the crack of a sidewalk and for once he wanted to be the hundred dollar bill placed gently in someone's wallet.

Jeongin wanted to be himself. Not his brother, not his mother's image. Not even the perfect accomplished student.

He wanted to be free.

A sudden idea popped into his mind. He crawled over to his bookbag slumped pathetically on the other side of the room and fished around for his phone, successfully retrieving it from a side pocket. He powered it on, ignoring the text from Seungmin and swiping till he found the classic icon. His finger hesisated as he hovered it over the newest contact. Jeongin summoned every last ounce of willpower in his body to not drop his fingertip and click on the name. He shook his head, snapping out of the trance he put himself under.

Yet his finger still lingered over the contact.

With an uneven breath he pressed the call button and brought the phone up to his ear, waiting patiently for the blaring rings to come to a halt. It rung once... twice... Each jarring blare ripped his soul apart and shook him to the core. After a long while a voice came alive on the other side.

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