WE'LL MEET AGAIN

I'LL WALK ALONE

chaos.

the only thing in his life that never seemed to change, never seemed to leave. a constant reminder as towards why he was here and why he hadn't left.

it was like death to him.

chaos doesn't care about how you feel, where you are or what you want to do. it unleashes withour remorse and fucks you up.

he hopes that the world isn't stuck this way, but he knows better. years and years of his life have teached him everything he knows, even if it was the hard way. nights of getting beat up and healed by his mom during cold winter nights where they couldn't afford the heat did seem to work after all.

he feels stuck, trapped. just like when he was in the ice. the years pass by, things change, people die, and he's still there. he'll still be there. he'll be there until the end of times, or until he decides that it's too much. until god decides it's too much. once again, he knows better though. he knows that no matter how much he wishes people to change, nothing's going to really change. he'll still be a man out of time, a man stuck in a place that isn't his. in a body that sometimes doesn't feel like his body.

but he can't go back. he refuses to go back. the past ━ it's familiar. it's comfortable. it's everything he wished now and maybe even more than he deserved. maybe he'd have a life there. maybe he would've never lost bucky, or he would've died before the serum was given to him, maybe he'd never become captain america.  captain america, not america.

and there isn't a day in which he doesn't think of the endless possibilities & opportunities he would've had in life if he hadn't chosen this lifestyle.

but he did, he did and he lives with that everyday. he knows it was his choice, and he knows why he did it. he'd never stand down, regardless of what happens, and he won't do it until it's his only choice.