He Loves Me, I Love Ballet

Chapter 7

Joffrey, SAB, and ABT all went well - I'm still waiting to hear from School of American Ballet, but I got in to the other two. Conviently, they only overlap by two days - since Joffrey doesn't have a performance at the end, I'll skip the last two days and get to do that and ABT! A whole summer of ballet. Now I'm praying I'll get into the Russian School. Scratch that actually - not praying, practicing. Practicing my ass off. I did some research on the students there currently and they are all so thin! I can't believe I was starting to feel good about my body. I'm average weight practically! Seventy eight pounds. My weight loss is slowing down and I don't understand why! I'm attributing it to the gain of some muscle mass with my new extended practice schedule, but I'll have to take serious measures if I don't see more improvement. I'm thinking seventy five in the next three weeks, because that's when the audition is.

I see people eating in the cafeteria now and it fascinates me. I've obviously got nothing to do during lunch period, so I'm just observing how much people stuff their faces. When I see Rian he's usually eating a salad and a sandwich and it's so much! I don't know how he stays in good shape. Not an ounce of fat on that boy's body. I think it's easier for him cuz he's a boy.

Speaking of Rian, he's started chatting with me again. The other day he was asking me about classes.

"How did you do on the math final?" He had asked me.

"Why the hell are you talking about such stupid things? Who cares about the math final! If you want to know about my life, ask me about ballet, or at least see me perform! You seem like you care so much about me but then I think you can't possibly because ballet is who I am and you don't give a shit!" I angrily replied.

He stared at me. "You know why you're so angry right?"

"Yes! Because you seem to want to be my friend but you don't care about the only thing that matters to me!"

"No, you're angry because you don't have enough food in your system. You can't hurt yourself like this, Maria, please. Anorexia isn't some sort of diet it's a disease and you're too thin!"

I was literally going to blow up if he started spouting any more of this bullshit. "Maria, let me help you. You can get help and be cured."

"I. Am. Not. Anorexic. And why the HELL do you have to stick your nose in my business?!"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" He screamed. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. "I love you and you're killing yourself and I can't watch you dying."

I shook my head. "You love me?"

"For months now. Yes, I do, so much. I'm in love with you. "

"Would you do anything for me? Walk across burning coals, devote your life to being with me?"

He brought his eyes to mine. "Yes. I'd do anything."

I nodded. "I see," I replied. "And I would do anything for ballet. I guess neither of us cares what the other one loves." And I turned around and walked away, swaying a little as I usually do.

Honestly, Rian will have to get over it. He may love me, but I love ballet, and I refuse to let life and love distract me. Ballet is an addiction, yes. But it's only when you let life creep in that it becomes dangerous, because everyone knows, you can't have both.