Off-Screen

OG| Dear Spencer,

> timeline- straight after OG (so five years before GB)

Dear Spencer,

First of all, thank you for the letter writing kit. Attached are some nudes of me as a thank you (joking! They're actually just polaroids of the view). I burned myself using the wax while writing my dad's letter but it was so worth it.

  I miss you. I miss your cologne. I miss your voice. I miss your smile.

As part of my recovery, I have been told to make amends. So I am writing to you, my dad and Nora; the people I have hurt the most.

I don't really know where to start. I guess I'll start at the beginning. Oliver and I had a fling on that yacht trip before senior year. Then about a month later we realised we kind of liked each other. Well, 'like' is quite a strong word. We obviously liked each other as friends but we also liked sleeping with each other. I wasn't interested in dating him. The way I felt about him was different to how I feel about you.

Then it all got out of hand when he asked Nora out. Looking back, I think that was just a selfish move from him. I don't know what made him ask her out while we were having a fling but I guess love makes you do stupid things.

But I don't blame him for anything I did. He didn't coerce me to act selfishly. I willingly slept with him while he was with Nora. I think I did that because I felt Nora got everything she wanted so it was nice to have something she wanted for once. It was all a sick game to me. I wasn't a good person.

And I did really like you, Spence. I liked you then. I was beginning to fall for you without realising it. And I kind of felt that you liked me too. But unfortunately I was too caught up in my sick games to do anything about it.

You know the rest. Video got leaked, I got addicted to drugs and drinking, I nearly died in a car crash etc...

The crash was a wakeup call for me. I realised I wasn't invincible. I don't think I would have gone to rehab without you though because it was you that recommended I go.

It's nice here. 'Sunny Brook' is beside Palm beach so I have a wonderful view of the sea. When I stand on the balcony, I can smell the salt water. I can't wait for the day I'm allowed to leave here so I can go and dip my feet in the water. I made a lot of Floridian friends. You know the way they say Floridians are crazy? Yeah, that's so true. One of the girls I made friends with once hijacked an ice-cream truck to make it to her sister's wedding. Funniest part is how she showed up late to the wedding with mint chocolate chip stains all over her bridesmaid dress. The counsellors and therapists here are also really nice. They're not judgmental. I have told them things I've never told anyone and they respect me a lot. They don't treat me like I'm a bad person.

Anyway, how are you? How is Notre Dame without me? I guess it's quite stupid for me to be asking you these questions when you have no way of replying to me. But I hope all is well.

This letter is coming out longer than I expected even though there is only one thing I need to say. I love you.

Spencer, you're my past and present and future. You are my forever. There is no way that we won't end up together because I am just so in love with you. If my heart were a treasure chest it would be overflowing with love for you (I'm trying to be poetic because I know you're like the most poetic person ever so hopefully this is coming across as romantic and not creepy). My heart is yours, Spencer Koning Kingsley.

I know no one is perfect but my god Spencer you come pretty close. You're the only decent and genuine guy in the upper east side. You're chivalrous and kind and loving and caring and SO SEXY. Seriously, your jawline is a work of art.

Above all, you're selfless and that's a hard quality to find these days. There is no universe where we don't end up with each other. And I know Stephen Hawking is alway yapping about infinite alternate universes but in all those infinite universes it's me and you against the world. And I know you feel the same way.

You are my dream guy. I can't wait to start our forever together.

I have one request however.

I deleted all my social media and changed my number for one reason. I need distance. I need a break from my old life. So the only thing I ask of you is to respect my distance. Don't look for me. I will find you when I'm ready. But for now I want to focus on my recovery and I need to stay away from the pressures of Manhattan. Trust me, this was not an easy decision to make and I can't imagine not talking to you for the next few months but it's for the better.

I lied- I have two requests. My other request is really important. Don't wait for me. Have fun. If you fall in love, I'll respect that and I'll keep my distance. I'll always have faith in us but don't let that stop you from being with other people. Find someone that makes you happy and enjoy your senior year.

I guess I don't really have much else to say. I can't wait for the day I'm out of here. I'll get to see you. I've said it about a million times already in this letter but I'll say it again (for the culture)- Spencer Kingsley, you are the love of my life and I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Sorry it took me so long to realise it. You are my endgame.

Forever and always,
Maddie

PS- I love you